Matt from Encino
One of the toughest parts of every guy’s life is his first time. In no way is this story promoting sex, positions, etc. This story is just a story for you to take what you want from it, just like the rest. (Lesson: Sex may become a part of the relationship, whether it be the good part or bad part, but it should never be the only reason why you are in a relationship.)
Our hero, Matt, was the ladies man when he hit his senior year in high school. He told me how he only dated the ‘band chicks’ because up until senior year, no other girl really found him that attractive. (Lesson: If you are dating band chicks, you may not be that attractive to other girls. But that does not mean you should give up on them.) Matt thought that the main reason why he did not have much success with the ladies was because he missed out on hitting puberty until senior year, he weighed 120 pounds until the summer before his senior year. And then he boomed into 150 pounds and the ladies noticed. (Lesson: No, ladies did not notice him because he got fat. Ladies notice that, but that is not really a turn on. But never stress over your body, everyone’s is different for a reason. Yours fits perfectly with someone else’s, go find her.) Matt then walked into his first semester of college with a year of dating, but a year of confusion.
Matt had spent senior year dating, but never really understanding what was happening in the girls’ head while they were on dates. And our hero was a fast talker, so he may have never really noticed that he was not trying to find out what was going on in their head. (Lesson: Take a moment and find out!) Our hero was a fast talker because he had spent his entire high school career, minus the senior year, listening to the other guys talking about their dates, trips to prom and homecoming, and their sexual experiences. He noticed how they would almost always bring up how they convinced a girl to go on a date, or how they would drop hints at things like kissing, and so forth. Matt was a sponge, just soaking up all their ‘tips’ and so when his senior year came and he had opportunities to ‘un-sponge’ his knowledge he capitalized. And he would pick up on what worked and what did not and took that with him to college. (Lesson: Listening to friends’ advice is good, but they never will see the girl the same way you do. Even if you both think she is gorgeous, each of you have your own definition for gorgeous. So do not listen to their advice as fact.)
Our hero met his match one night while standing in line at the campus cafeteria. They were watching the cafeteria lady scream at a student who had drunkenly cut in line and demand some extra mashed potatoes. (Lesson: Cafeteria ladies are not all mean, maybe just ask them how they are doing and see if it helps their attitude. Trust me.) While watching this fiasco, Matt started laughing and looked back to see if anyone else had noticed and their eyes met. Matt introduced himself to her at the juice dispensers and she replied that she already knew him and was uninterested, sarcastically smiled, and walked to the tables. (Lesson: A challenge? It is always a good thing when you can tell that she is not going to be an easy catch. Easy catches happen once in a blue moon, challenges happen everyday. Bait your hook well.)
Matt sat two tables away, facing her and after placing his food down got up and took her table’s entire napkin, ketchup, and mustard tray. It was hamburger and sweet-potato-fries night. Our hero spent the next three hours with her flirting, talking about high school, trading secrets, laughing, and making fun of each other. Matt knew that their relationship was going to be amazing if this is how night one was spent. And he verified his belief because the next three weeks they spent every moment they could with each other and had not even gotten to kissing yet. (Lesson: Talking and no kissing? It is not a myth, it happens. But realize before she does that the physical security needs to be there as much as the mental does. So make your move when the timing is right!)
Matt knew nothing about sex; I will put it out there. Sorry Matt. But he didn’t! His high school senior year was about experiencing second and third base and trying to steal home but being tagged out. And to Matt, knowing that she had been around the bases before made him very conscious of how he would stand up to her previous times. (Lesson: You should want to be her best, but do not expect to hear that you are the best after the first time. She wants to be your best too, but you two have to figure each other out first. So give it a couple times, maybe even a couple dozen times. But wrap it up. No excuses. Do not be that guy.) So while Matt worried about being a virgin, she was more and more impressed with how he could stimulate her in other ways. It made their relationship even more meaningful. But our hero wanted to go the whole way, and over mixed-drinks and frat nights he would tell her that he wanted her to be his first but then dismiss it as a joke whenever she would respond in a way that he felt was inappropriate for the mood of his first time. (Lesson: There is no real mood that will be right; it is your mood that needs to be right for the first-time.)
But Matt was now getting stuck, he was being sucked into the freshman nights where frat parties ruled and hangovers were fun. He was stressing over what night would be perfect, while she was enjoying every night for their face value and not trying to add a sixth dimension to it all like our hero was. Matt was trying to find a good night to go for a walk, or how they could play a board-game and hope that it would show her that it was just as much fun as getting drunk. This was the Matt that had spent high school dating band chicks, he had found the romantic-side in ninth grade and the band chicks loved it. (Lesson: You are an individual, just like she is, before you are companions. She will want to do things that you may not but same goes for you. So try to find each others’ middle-ground and find times where each of you can stay be individuals. It will keep you both happy. If you do not find the middle-ground it could be devastating for one person or both.)
So let me just add a little interlude here because I feel like this story is getting to be one of about our hero just wanting his girlfriend to realize he wants his first-time. It is not that simple. Matt’s pressure was not only because he wanted to get his first-time over with, because his friends had theirs before him, that the band chicks he dated had theirs already… you catch my drift? Matt was trying to find his balance, and he was relying a lot on his girlfriend as the experienced one in the relationship. But in her eyes, she was perfectly happy with their progress. She knew that her first-time was a lot of pressure so she was just waiting for him to initiate. Matt, was too busy thinking about things and not talking. So our hero was trying, he just did not know what trying even meant in this situation. Okay, interlude is up… hope you understand.
Our hero was in contact with several of his friends from high school and one of them was going to be in his area in a couple weeks so they were planning on a good weekend of Matt showing him the college that he called home. Meanwhile, Matt had noticed that his girlfriend was picking up on his hints on how quiet-nights were just as good as party-nights. So they were trying it out, but Matt realized that his push for quiet-nights created an awkward mood. Matt expected her to have already gone through nights like this and what they were really about. (Lesson: I cannot stress enough; open-communication is the best form of communication. If you were dating a French girl you would not speak in English and just expect her to know what you were saying, you would do everything you could to make her understand. So be completely open.) Matt then thought that maybe she needed space or to be without him a night or two for her to understand that he was really wanting the first-time to be about both of them enjoying it from the first ‘hello’ of the date to the end. But our hero found out that his girlfriend took the space as a sign that there was trouble in the water.
Matt was getting more and more frustrated, pun intended, and when his friend came to visit for the weekend Matt poured out the entire story over a couple forties. His friend told Matt that he should just tell her what he wants. So that night, our hero had planned on going out with her and her friends and his buddy. Matt watched as she was drinking heavily and somewhat flirtatiously but rudely challenging him to drink as much as she was. And then when the karaoke machine rolled out, our hero chose 112’s “peaches & cream” while she picked Jewel’s “who will save your soul”. (Lesson: Any girl who sings a Jewel song will instantly confuse any situation that was happening that night. Hands down. Good luck if she does.)
The walk home to the dorms was spent with Matt kissing her, her kissing Matt, and then Matt trying to hook up his buddy with her friend. So our hero was being a good friend by assisting his buddy but was missing the signs that his girlfriend finally understood what Matt wanted her to understand. (Lesson: Having your friend know the situation you are in always helps. If he is a good friend, he will talk to her and help the two of you iron out any situation that may have arisen between you two.) When they all stumbled into the dorm, Matt tossed his buddy the key to his dorm and followed his girlfriend. She then stopped him and told him that she missed him the past couple nights they had been apart and that if he wanted to, she was ready to be his first but only if he wanted. Matt then said yes.
In bed, while he was on top, our hero stopped after a good minute or two. He let the moment catch up with him and hoped she would look him in the eyes and see that this meant a lot to him. She did look him in the eyes, and then she kissed him. As he continued she whispered into his ear;
“Matt, I love you.”
Our hero finished, and did not really finish like finishing really should be finished, and then laid there as she passed out. In all of his planning for his first-time he never planned on her saying those words. In all of his preparing he never prepared himself to hear those words. (Lesson: Oh man. Well, love is in the air. Someone has to say it first and so always be prepared for it to be said after date number two.) Our hero woke up and she was in the bathroom puking, no not from morning sickness because he had a condom on and did not go inside of her. (Lesson: Live or die by that method, until you get married. Do not be that guy.) She then came out of the bathroom and curled up next to him and whispered into his ear;
“Matt, I love you.”
These stories always consist of a moment where our hero misses his mark or where his ‘Achilles-heel’ shines through. Matt should have commented back at that moment, but he did not know what to say. His first-time moment was outdone by her confession of love. He was disappointed, he felt cheated, and he needed to think about how she had not even brought it up but just skipped his achievement for her own motif. Our hero should have commented. Because his delay cost him a relationship that he spent the entire freshman year thinking about while he watched her at frat-parties, saw her in the dorm hallway, and eating at the cafeteria.
(Lesson: Do not put so much planning into the first-kiss, first-time, first-anything. There are so many moments in a relationship that consist of little tiny moments. If you plan on the big moment you will miss the importance of everything else and trust me when I tell you that the kiss may be terrible, but being under a starlit sky may be the reason why your kiss was her best.)
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