Just a warning, there’s probably going to be some TMI so if you’re not comfortable with sex don’t read any further.
I feel like crap.
Physically, I believe half my problems come from having a completely whacked out sleep schedule. I want to believe it is my natural nite owl tendancies, which it is, partially, but also it’s me just not wanting to be near the Lump. Not that we ever had a great sex life to start with. I had to cut my nails because he’s got sensitive skin and I couldn’t react much more than porn sounds. I know I intimidated him. Yes, I’ve gotten around a few more times than he did but I also improvise. My first real boyfriend (when I was 24) was a little shocked by my adventurous nature and other talents and said I was lying to him about how many guys I had slept with up ’til that point. It just came from a lot of reading (none of those Cosmo sex tricks crap) and going to Fantasia (sex toy shopping) parties. I almost never want to get into a long term relationship again because it does seem to be true about that “more sex when you’re single” story.
I don’t know if he thinks he knows everything from having worked in an adult video store or what but having tried to communicate to him it’s next to impossible to get anything done. I could always tell if he was horny when I went to bed because there would be this smell in the air when I walked into the bedroom. After a while my first thought was, aww crap, why couldn’t he get like this before so it doesn’t have be an ambush. This was back when it actually mattered somewhat. The one time he was spontaneous resulted in the destruction of my computer chair. He, of course, blames me for it. I can’t wait for the day I get to have real sex again. If that ever happens. I guess I’ll just have to invest in some batteries.
I don’t know which one of us will be the first to say anything to each other. I’m a mess because of knowing he knows this place exists. The words passive aggressive keep popping up in my head. That those are the words he might be thinking since Monday about all of this and my having not spoken to him. I needed to wait until the weekend because of my belief there’s more time that way so things aren’t left dangling like they were Monday. He has a nasty habit of doing that. I will admit that one of my flaws is over-thinking. I need to have all bases covered. That comes from my pathology to apologize for everything regardless of responsibility. I need to figure out why and how I could have caused that line of thought so as to mount a proper rational plan not to ever do it again and that when it’s brought up to understand where they are coming from with minimal frustration on their part. Of course, my needing to know before hand more than likely adds to their frustration. See, my over-thinking at work again.
I’ve always had this love/hate relationship with my intelligence. I love that I can think of multiple if slightly off the wall at any one time. I love that I am creative and moderately artistic. I’ve said my IQ was 145. I am a visual thinker and photographic memory in that I take pictures with my brain camera in order to remember things. In high school, there was a time when I remembered a particular fact from history text book because I remembered what line of what paragraph on what page by remembering the same page had a picture of some Roman Emperor on the bottom left corner. One of my chief abilities is to take a large problem and break it down into smaller manageable pieces and see how each piece relates to one another. Pattern recognition is one of talents as well. When I was younger and before I moved, no one held my intelligence against me. It’s really pathetic to think you peaked at 10 years old. I’ve always felt my father has been intimidated by my intelligence. I never felt like I was ever going to be smart enough for him to say he was proud of me. I had to know everything and when I didn’t I would be called stupid in a mean and vengeful manner that I had let the world down for whatever reason I couldn’t predict the outcome of a problem I wasn’t aware but should have been. People wonder why I’m neurotic and feel like I’m a living dichotomy.
I’ve always been told that being smart was a good thing but after 12 years old, it seemingly became more of a hindrance. I was always attracted to more physical type work. I also have a great work ethic which has also been a problem (the only time I’ve found it to be a benefit was in high school in drama club). When I worked at a Canadian Tire store I was part-time but worked largely 40 hours a week because I could do a lot of things. I worked on the floor, as a cashier and in the end, mostly in the warehouse. I remember my boss coming to me to tell me I wasn’t getting a raise, not because I wasn’t doing a great job but because that I was doing a great job. As a part timer I got a raise after so many hours worked but because I was working so much that I was racking up more hours than the other part-timers who were hired at the same time as me and that was unfair to them. I was also denied a promotion because I thought I was the most qualified but the warehouse den mother decided that her best friend’s son who dumber than cotton deserved it more because he was never going to achieve more than that. Something I felt at home too where I was told “You get to do things first because you’re the oldest so you have to let your sister have a few perks”. I instinctively will sit in the back of a car because sitting shotgun was always reserved for her. My sister is not challenged or disabled in any way, she’s just 6 younger than me. Same deal when I worked at McDonald’s. I was alienated by certain member of management skilled at pathologically lying and manipulation because I worked hard, was smart and everybody liked me because I respected them without having to sleep with them or drink myself stupid to be their friend. They had none of those skills so spent most of their time lying about just about everything. I remember overhearing her talk to her landlord about her rent being past due and she blamed it on the alleged friend sleeping on her couch for 2 weeks and that she was supposed to help with rent and that she knew certain things because she was a trained psychologist because she took a psych course in university. Spend 5 minutes with her and you knew she was a psych course. I am too smart and work too hard and too honest for my own damn good.
I’ve been gathering information as to how the male brain works because as if often said, men are simple basic creatures. And since I can’t break them down into smaller portions without killing them I need access to that double top secret information. I don’t think I was trying to flirt with him because I wanted to establish a friendship with him. Sure, I clicked “like” on pictures of him in his Facebook album because he was smiling and what I remembered he was always Mr. Uber-serious all the time. And some of the comments were funny becuase he has such a wonderful dry sense of humour. And he’s damn fine to look at in my book. I didn’t say anything to him that he didn’t already know from 5 years ago what I thought. That’s hardly flirting. Sure, my life sucks but I wanted my friend back so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about liking him and I wanted a small portion of that joy he brings me. I was mostly reacting to what he was saying and if we were flirting with each other without being aware of it well, grrrrr, ya know. Then a friend of mine said this….
There, right there, is how you’re managing to terrorise a grown man… Plus no matter how sweet on you he is, he’s probably not that keen on helping you cheat and screw around on your boyfriend… that’s a factor for some guys. After all, if you help a girl cheat on her boyfriend, even if she is one day in the future sometime honest to god going to leave him probably, then there’s no way a guy can really trust that girl to keep her knees together when his own back is turned…
Needless to say, I’m not trying to sleep with HAS. Not that it’s never or would never cross my mind but right now that idea positively terrifies me. Plus I want The Lump to say that he had at least one girlfriend not mess around on him. Also, what my friend said about what I’m putting myself through, never crossed my mind. It’s a definite possibility. HAS is quite an honourable person. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. Maybe after five years I didn’t think “it” would still be there in any capacity. I just know that there wasn’t any negative feelings on his end when things blew up 5 years ago but that doesn’t necessarily mean he would be receptive to a friendship.
I’ll just have to leave my AIM on this weekend to find out. The only real answer will ever come from him. I just need to be able to deal with the fallout of which there are no guarantees. I wish I could put a finger on why I’m putting myself threw this.
Which reminds me, I need to buy toilet paper, Kit Kat Chunky Bars, Bananas, and 4 Teen Burgers from A&W tomorrow. Don’t ask me how, because y’all are well aware how my brain does and does not function.
Until next time, same crazy time, same crazy channel.
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