Jack and i were about an hour out of that disaster called Portage la Prairie and were now coming up on some place called Brandon. the gps appeared to be telling me we could pass just the outskirts, and not really have to go through the city itself, if i just kept going straight. seeing as we were not long on the road and we were so eager to go west, we decided to pass up on this city. the only stop we’d make was to get some coffee for the road. it was almost too convenient to be true….a Tim Horton’s right off the highway and on our side too!
the drive thru lane was exactly as you’d expect, and since i was already in the mood for a little stretch i made the smart move to park and go inside. see it was inside that i met one of the most interesting people ever. as i walked directly towards the counter to place my order since there was no line, this sketchy skinny little guy walks by. kinda odd-looking little fucker to tell you the truth. not ugly….just someone who strikes you as a separate entity from the normal zombies you meet… not swimming against the current so much as swimming in a different current. tiny little head with big fucking ears and a ridiculously large and shiny hat for a white boy in the middle of the goddamn prairies.
well this ballsy fucker is waiting for me outside when i walk back to the car. he catches me as i was about to open the door. “hey man” he started, ” you like chron?” ” i could smell it on you…inside” he continued as he tried to reassure me with his friendly eyes, resting either side his pointy nose that matched his angular smile all the while nodding and kinda bouncing i think? hard to say. he never seemed to stop moving but never moved a step either. i can make you paranoid until you start to catch his pace and roll with it. he could see my suspicions too, so he went on again “no man it’s cool, i got “j” with me and i thought maybe we could smoke it together?”
hmm i thought about it for a moment. i looked at jack. fuck he was not gonna help with this one, too busy licking his own ass. “well that’s a pretty nice offer your making” i offered. no harm in prying a little i thought, so i asked “whats your deal man?” ” i mean… you looking for a ride or something?” “just curious you know, im not accustomed to being approached in this way.”
“yeah a ride would be great if your going towards Regina” he eagerly threw out at me.
“hell im going farther west than that”
“could i get a lift with ya?”
again i looked at Jack to see if he pried himself away from his own ass and knew what was going on. his eyes were locked on us and he seemed to be excited about having some additional company for a while. “all right man, sure. what the fuck hop in….what’s your name anyway?”
“Briggs”
“well let’s go”
well i can say with certainty that boy had some mighty good weed. that shit hit like Wilma with a frying pan. straight to the head and funny as hell. but the let me tell you, Briggs the skinny kid who apparently shops at Mr Big and Tall, was everything that is right with this country. he’s smart, funny, eager to live and find adventure, and quite a clever side ingenuity. he has a sense of urgency about him.
i had some Blues Traveller on and we were nearing the end of that joint as we coasted down the highway before we finally spoke again. ”so why Regina” i asked simply
“well i got some work lined up there” he started then filled me in on one of the most disgusting things i have ever heard. ” i just got laid off” Briggs told me, which i have to assume has become sort of stimulus to what’s coming. “and i kinda got to thinking about things a little”. ” i wanted to do something different, somewhere else. just a fresh start. feel like i’m going nowhere here. job i just got laid off from well fuck i hated it anyway. kinda fucks with your head after a while. i know this is gonna sound totally fucked but my job was to jerk off pigs!”
“what” i screeched at him. “what the fuck do you mean ‘jerking off pigs’, like cops?
“haha no” he laughed ” i mean like real pigs. boars. for all those sow barns we have in this province to use for artificial insemination”.
“hmm well i guess that’s better than jerking off cops” i offered. “im afraid to ask this, but how do you do that anyway? i mean physically and mentally?” i finished in a state of confusion. i’ve never heard of such things.
“yeah. ha. yeah, i know. it’s sick hey?” “but fuck it i’ll try anything ya know” ” why not?” “i don’t care.” he rattled back at me. “seriously man it’s not that bad. you just gotta get over the mental side first. kinda block it out and don’t think about what you are really doing.” “but all you really do is let this big boars into this pen with a dummy sow in it…”
“hold on” i interrupted ” what the fuck does a dummy sow look like?”
“ha..it’s just this piece of plastic kinda like a saddle. but with pegs instead of stirrups, so the boar can leverage his body up.”
“uh huh”
“yeah it’s not like a stuffed pig or anything like that ha ha”
“so what do yo do then?”
“when he starts to thrust i grab the end of his cock and squeeze. then he starts to jizz so i collect it in this big styrofoam cup with a filter over it”. ” after a while you get so use to it, you start to make fun of it with your co-workers. its funny how it just becomes so natural to talk about it”
“ok well fuck that’s enough for me, thanks” i stopped him ” jesus i get it, but if you’ll do just about anything tell me something interesting. the kind a thing nobody would ever think about a good canadian citizen like yourself.” why fuck around i thought. this little shit was making me sick after so much promise. it was time for him to prove his worth. i wasn’t gonna let him hide behind that good weed forever. Regina was still a long way off a couple hours at least as i recall. and no way in hell was i gonna listen to this kinda shit for that long. “come on” i demanded “get on with it…tell me something. pick deep inside that brain and tell me what young canadians think nowadays.”
“haha ok” he snickered “here’s one for you. haha.” “kay here it is, i’ve never told anyone this before so you gotta keep it quiet. and you can use it too if you want.” ” so you know how you can bake pot” he nodded
i nodded to keep him going but keeping my eyes on the hypnotizing highway patterns.
“kay well in order to do that you basically just dissolve all the crystals with the thc into melted butter and filter it. then you use the butter with all the thc for baking what you want….ok you with me?”
again i nodded
“well i was doing that once while watching a porno in the kitchen and it gave me this idea. this is sick man, but i swear it works. you gotta seriously not share this with anyone ok?”
“yes yes” i blurted with anticipation.
“the guy in the porno was letting this woman put some oil on his balls that apparently made them tingle while she sucked on them! so i came up with this idea that maybe i could mix my weed butter with this edible ball cream! hahaha!
“oh my god” i laughed “are you fucking serious? did it work?”
“yeah i know. hahahaha. crazy sick shit huh? yeah yeah it works. i went to a sex shop and found this cream, which by the way works, claimed to taste like strawberry to her and tingle my balls. i took half it out and replaced with my weed butter!”
my god his eyes were just wild with excitement.
“so i met this girl and she’s gonna give me a blow job back at my place and i ask if she’d like to use the cream? she’s interested so i show her the package. it looks legit so she’s down with it.”
Briggs continued to go on and on with every detail which i was eating up at the moment but don’t have the patience to get into at this time, however the nuts of the matter is this. this girl’s only suspicion that something was up? the container had obviously been opened was easily explained away by claiming to have tested it on himself the night before. dirty scoundrel. trickster…goddamn i admire this young man. he said this only seemed to excite her more. and as she began to work over his nuts, she started to get high. claiming that she immediately began to….well associate the high with his balls! by the end of it he says its been the most incredible blow job of his life and this girl is just thanking him so sincerely he compares it to born again christians professing their faith in jesus.
he claims that although he may rob her of ever enjoying giving anyone but him a blow job, he’s given her something better. just like Pavlov’s dog. sexual satisfaction can also be trained. and he firmly believes by keeping the mystery alive it’s more rewarding for her. like i said earlier, he’s just different thinking. all well thought-out ideas, just not the normal reality tunnel of you or i. why is everyone around me in this car so put together except for me? Jack i am positive knows who he is. i have never seen a sheep so comfortable in wolves skin. and this Briggs kid appears to have something going for himself. that much was now clear. for the first time into this adventure i began to question what i was looking for.
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