Several years ago, when we were separated, I started seeing a therapist. I was terribly depressed and had many of my own issues to sort out. Sometimes, we discussed issues related to my work, my parents, my children, my past and obviously, my marriage. At times, I have wondered if I still need to see this therapist. I think his specialty is “Type A” business types. I feel very comfortable in his office. Perhaps that’s why I keep going even though my life is much improved and I don’t take medication for depression any longer. Our most recent visit reminds me of why I go. It is not that I necessarily can’t understand my own dilemmas if I am given time but putting them into perspective and finding tools to solve them with is sometimes an element that he adds. I’m writing this letter to help me formulate my thoughts based on all that we discussed.
Dear Wife,
We have known each other for 15 years and in that time we’ve known great happiness; we have known anger and frustration as well. You’re well aware, however, that I am increasingly frustrated with our intimate life together.
If I make the effort to be intimate with you it is not borne out of a need to have some physical gratification on my own. It is a need to communicate with you that intimacy provides. If I try to initiate any kind of intimacy and you withdraw, that affords me even less opportunity to communicate with you. It is an “escape” from it. When you give me a peck or two and I don’t even have twenty seconds of your undivided attention, that’s frustrating. When you decide to give me that kiss and then focus on some random chore around the house, that’s “escape”. For whatever reason, you are uncomfortable with intimacy. You don’t mind telling me that you love me but you won’t relax and bond with me in that meaningful, private and loving way that couples do.
In the time we’ve been together, we almost lost control of our relationship when you were unable to leave your work stress at work. Your tension level remains high and I don’t know why. It’s never the same issue. Last weekend, it was a problem in one area that was on your mind. This week, one of the kids wasn’t feeling well. Tomorrow, it will be something else. Something else to focus on that isn’t “us”. I simply cannot do the emotional work of two people. I need a sincere effort on your part to understand why you cannot focus on me for any reasonable length of time. If it’s ADD, then you can get some help…but you have to want help.
Your brothers and sisters programmed you to be defensive. You don’t take to criticism and NONE of you express any positive emotion. You know that you love me but you can’t elaborate as to why or how I make you feel. You state that you’re “lucky” to have me but I don’t feel like it.
I am left in a very uncomfortable place. I am unable to be emotionally fulfilled and I can’t facilitate any change without communication. I need a partner in this or else it will fail. I know you are capable because when you’ve been drinking, you’re perfectly intimate and participatory…but that’s not a positive, adaptive method of getting there. You need to learn to access your emotions and to express them. I don’t care how old you are. It has to happen or we will grow apart.
Marriage is like a bank. You can’t keep making withdrawals without making any deposits. You can’t keep writing checks because of a lump sum you deposited 10 years ago. Eventually, the good will runs out and I love you too much to let that happen.
Love,
Me.
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