1. You’re clean bodied and dirty minded
2. You’re polite, don’t complain about my rates and even act like you want me to enjoy myself a little!
3. You’re not big-headed about your sexual prowess. If you think you’re good, you probably aren’t.
4. You’re gentle; remember you’re not using a Fleshlight now.
5. You don’t dive in without lube. EVER.
6. YOU PUT THE CONDOM ON THE RIGHT WAY AROUND. Don’t just pull it out the wrapper, try it on, then turn it round when it won’t roll down. I WILL make you use a new one.
7. You don’t do that weird method of stretching open the condom and pinging it over your cock like a plastic bag. You usually rip it, idiot.
8. You don’t try and make me squirt with that vicious finger-bent ‘trick’. It’s just painful.
9. If you’re flaccid, it WON’T WORK. Don’t try and shove 1 inch of flaccidity into me. It’s pathetic.
10. You’re 60, you should know what you’re doing by now. So please use the right hole.
11. Direct, furious pressure on my clit feels horrible. You think you’re being nice and making me cum. You’re not.
12. If you’re going to cum on me, don’t cum anywhere near my pussy. Or my eyes.
13. Don’t take too long to pull out. I hate having to remove your used condom from my pussy. Yuck.
14. Clean up after yourself. Don’t just leave the condom lying on my windowsill. Ask for the bin, I won’t bite.
15. Spitting on your fingers should be kept to porn shoots, not real sex. LICK THEM.
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