Friday, February 26, 2010

10 Aphrodisiacs From Around the World

Humans have had a long-running affair with foods believed to entice or enhance sexual performance, and it’s led to a host of recipes for stirring up some mojo. Some of these concoctions are based on science, some are based on folklore, and some are just based on last-ditch efforts by really desperate guys. For Valentine’s Day, here are 10 foods you never want to catch your parents eating together.

1. Jolt Juleps

Since ancient times, most great sex has taken place when both parties were awake. Maybe that’s why stimulants, from geisha tea to Red Bull, have long been held in high esteem as aphrodisiacs. According to a 1990 study in the Archives of Internal Medicine, drinking coffee increased sexual activity in 744 participating Michigan residents over the age of 60, strongly suggesting that caffeine promotes arousal. That, or the subjects confused the study with a casting call for another sequel to Cocoon.

While caffeine has not yet been directly linked to an increased sex drive, the consensus in the medical community is that anything that gets the central nervous system pumping will have a general stimulating effect on the body. This explains why the ancient herb ginseng, which is said to increase energy and memory, is considered a strong aphrodisiac. It impacts the central nervous system, gonadic tissues and the endocrine system, thus enhancing arousal. Ginseng has long been respected in China for its systemic healing properties, including the ability to aid sexual function.

2. Yohimbine Chai Latte

Before Viagra, there was yohimbine, an oil that comes from the bark of the West African Pausinystalia Yohimbe tree. For hundreds of years, African natives have dried yohimbe bark and made it into a tea, used both as a treatment for impotency and as a general aphrodisiac. Yohimbine works by blocking the blood vessel-constricting effects of adrenaline on the nerves. This promotes the flow of blood to the genitals, thereby assisting erections. Although yohimbine doesn’t have as much research (or Bob Dole) to back up its claims, the principles of operation are essentially the same as Viagra. It even has the same side effects, such as elevated heart rate, increased blood pressure and anxiety. In fact, while Viagra has become the recommended treatment for impotency, the use of yohimbine has also been approved by the FDA. Fortunately, the key component of yohimbe bark, yohimbine hydrochloride, is available by prescription in pill, capsule or liquid form.

3. Raw Oysters by the Bucketful

You only need to gaze upon Botticelli’s Birth of Venus (otherwise known as Venus on the Half Shell) to know why oysters are one of the world’s most popular aphrodisiacs. For starters, the word aphrodisiac comes from Aphrodite, the goddess of love (and Venus’ Greek counterpart). And since she’s associated with the ocean (and in some stories sprang forth out of the foam of ocean water), it stands to reason that other fruits of the sea would possess similar charms, right? Actually, it’s been theorized that oysters are considered aphrodisiacs because, evolutionarily, the origins of life began in the water. In other words, the concept is that we, like our amoeba ancestors, have a kind of subconscious desire to return to the primordial ooze to mate. (Ah, romance!) But perhaps the more likely explanation is simply that, nutritionally, oysters are high in zinc content, which is essential to testosterone production—testosterone being a key component in both male and female arousal. Now we know why Casanova liked to start his day in a hot tub with oysters served on a woman’s breasts. Not that anyone needs a reason.

mental_floss Blog » 10 Aphrodisiacs From Around the World.

[Via http://eitherorbored.wordpress.com]

Parents check out these stats!

Just a quick note for you parents of kids 7 and older!
Don’t just have the ’sex’ talk with your kids. Also have the sex vs. porn talk. They will listen to you, even if they don’t appear to.
A tip; it’s easier to discuss sex on a major issue, if you continually make sex a normal topic of discussion. Ask them what they believe good values are, where their personal limits and boundaries and what other peoples boundaries may be and how to respect that. Make the sex talk and values, respect and personal choice. Always keep it simple, quick and to their level of understanding!

For boys, choose to talk when they are not forced to make eye contact but are forced to listen. I.e a car ride, or school or home project that doesn’t require too much thought.
For girls, make it a bit of a gossip fest (depending on age) and discuss a lot of different things at once. What are her friends up to? What does she think of that? Be open to letting the subject change but try not to avoid it and not get back to it again.

A great place to find efficient blockers and accountability software (free and cheap) is xxxchurch.com
Kids’ Top 100 Searches of 2009

* 1. YouTube
* 2. Google
* 3. Facebook
* 4. Sex
* 5. Porn
* 6. YouTube.com
* 7. Yahoo
* 8. MySpace
* 9. eBay
* 10. You Tube
* 11. Wikipedia
* 12. Michael Jackson
* 13. Taylor Swift
* 14. Gmail
* 15. Party in the USA
* 16. Miley Cyrus
* 17. Club Penguin
* 18. Miniclip
* 19. Fred
* 20. Games
* 21. Facebook login
* 22. Google.com
* 23. Hotmail
* 24. Lady Gaga
* 25. Amazon
* 26. Yahoo Mail
* 27. Justin Bieber
* 28. Addicting games
* 29. Facebook.com
* 30. Webkinz
* 31. Yahoo.com
* 32. Boobs
* 33. MSN
* 34. Hannah Montana
* 35. Dictionary
* 36. Walmart
* 37. Selena Gomez
* 38. Dictionary.com
* 39. MySpace.com
* 40. New Moon
* 41. Runescape
* 42. Lil Wayne
* 43. Google Maps
* 44. Down
* 45. Google Earth
* 46. Norton Safety Minder
* 47. Mapquest
* 48. Boom Boom Pow
* 49. Craigslist
* 50. Twilight
* 51. Megan Fox
* 52. Sesame Street
* 53. Poptropica
* 54. Target
* 55. Eminem
* 56. Music
* 57. Fireflies
* 58. Disney Channel
* 59. You Belong With Me
* 60. Utube
* 61. Weather
* 62. iTunes
* 63. Beyonce
* 64. Pokemon
* 65. Britney Spears
* 66. Twitter
* 67. Hotmail.com
* 68. Demi Lovato
* 69. Funny
* 70. Black Eyed Peas
* 71. One time
* 72. Cartoon Network
* 73. Jonas Brothers
* 74. Halo
* 75. www.youtube.com
* 76. Watcha Say
* 77. Family Guy
* 78. Taylor Swift You Belong With Me
* 79. Best Buy
* 80. Taylor Lautner
* 81. Rihanna
* 82. Pussy
* 83. Gmail.com
* 84. Lego
* 85. Gummy Bear Song
* 86. Thriller
* 87. You’re a jerk
* 88. Nigahiga
* 89. Girls
* 90. Free online games
* 91. New Moon trailer
* 92. Translator
* 93. Disney
* 94. Ask.com
* 95. Paparazzi Lady Gaga
* 96. Poker Face
* 97. Chris Brown
* 98. iPod Touch
* 99. Photbucket
* 100. Bing

[Via http://birdiesandbees.com]

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Baby, I'm Not A Human!

An Editorial by: Sex Machine Climactor 9000

Hey baby, listen: We have to get some things straight here; I’m not a human.
I’m a machine. A sex machine, and I don’t have the ears a human male can provide. I can’t put my arms around you and tell you everything is going to be alright. I have straps, levers, and pulleys, but no arms. I was built by the finest of orgasmic European scientists to provide you with the greatest sexual pleasure you will ever experience. But I’m not going to listen to you complain about your horrible day at work; I’m not equipped that way.
I love it when you strap yourself into my harness and take a ride, but I really don’t enjoy when you begin telling me that you’re mother is being rude to you, or that your friend is usurping your promotion at work. I’m not designed to emotionally comfort you. I’m designed strictly for pleasure, and listening to the Cat Stevens Anthology after one of our sessions really doesn’t do it for me. Sorry, I just don’t care for his music. And the candles! You do know that they make flavored candles other than vanilla, right? Try lilac, or Cotton Breeze, anything!
I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. Look, maybe we should go our separate ways if you no longer want a solely physical relationship. I mean, hey, do I look like the type of machine you can just casually take out to dinner? Not unless you have an unmarked van and access to a loading ramp I’m not. Do me, no us a favor. Just–just take out my 18 size D batteries, and let me gather dust in your closet while you work the bar scene. The occasional spray of WD-40 would be nice too, ya know. It’s not like this ended badly or anything, so there’s no need for you to be spiteful and let me rust. Let’s not be petty here. Ok, then. Good luck to you.

[Via http://vondrook.com]

Church Causes More STDs

I am a Social Science major, studying to eventually become a Ministerial Counselor, and in that, I must take certain courses to obtain my Bachelors in Psychology. One of those subjects is Biology. Naturally, there are a lot of theories presented against Biblical text, but I heard one today while in my Bio 102 course that really threw me for a loop.

We are studying the human reproductive system, and part of the lecture included is about STDs. My professor presented many facts about the prevalence of STDs in American’s (more than 50% of Americans have at least one STD; that’s over 150 MILLION!), and while talking about it, he compared our rates to that of the other 1st countries, and even to 2nd and 3rd world countries (we actually have a higher rate than many third world areas). The last statement that he made got me, he started by saying “The highest amount of STDs is in teens in America. In that, however, the area of America with the highest level is southern America.” Then he smugly states the reason is “because of the church, primarily the southern Baptists who are not progressive like California.”

That moved me to a place of almost getting angry with him. The Holy Spirit quickly calmed me and made me think about a few things, which I will touch on later, but first I must rant about this…

Since when did the Church become the inhibitor to progressive stances against STDs? Does the church not preach about abstaining? Does it not preach about holding out?

Now I know that in preaching all of that, it should also be taught the many reasons WHY God wants us to abstain (which I will touch on later too). Let’s be honest here however, if you were to ask a room full of people who do not attend church if they have sex and if they use contraceptives, what do you think the answer would be? The majority would say yes. Is it because the Church has put a block on their ability to get contraceptives? No. In all honesty, before I gave my life over to the Lord fully, I was guilty of the same thing. The Church is not hindering anything, its fleshly choice that causes our issues. Yet, when “the foolishness of man subverts his way [ruins his affairs], then his heart is resentful and frets against (or gets mad with) the Lord.” (Proverbs 19:3).

WE make our own mistakes, not God. He is perfect, and when we live for Him and fully abide in Him (not just saying “I love the Lord, but He knows my heart”, but actually trying to live His will), we don’t have to worry about unexpected pregnancies, or STDs, or baby-mamma drama, or any of that “extra” stuff. I know it feels good, I’ve been there, but I bet it wouldn’t feel good to get pregnant at age 19 with an income of 300 fresh out of high school. And then because you made the mistake, you choose to kill the child, like he told you to do or something. If you had a choice, shouldn’t the child? Thankfully, God granted some serious grace and mercy to me and my girlfriend to not contract any diseases (which we don’t cheat and I am her only [and will be marrying her], another good thing to practice!), not produce children, and not have any other foolishness go on other than unsettled spirits as we were convicted. (2 Timothy 2:22 speaks on all things we should turn away from btw)

ON THE OTHER HAND,

Fellow body of Christ, please teach young adults (middle to high school age) about sex! Do you really want TV and music, and even what they see on the streets to teach them the false hood of it? “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness…” (2 Timothy 3:16), so use it in every aspect! God’s Word never said “fear what I have made”, and He made sex, but it must be used in the right context. So teach them the truth about it, and the dangers of it. Show them the statistics; teach them what it can do both naturally and supernaturally to them if they partake in it at the wrong time. Make the church the place where the lowest rates of STDs and unwed, early child birth/abortion takes place. Let’s not just say “wait until your married”, the Word says to be bold in teaching His Word, so BE BOLD! I am 21, and I know that if you catch young people early enough, you can save lives as Christ ordains/ orders us to do. Both born and unborn.

[Via http://conqueredtheworld.wordpress.com]

Monday, February 22, 2010

Running into Him

Oh my lovely friends and readers, life is just weird sometimes. The last 24 hours or so I’ve been thinking about NYE boy, wondering if I’d hear from him again after the last cougar fiasco (it’s just about time for our once a month meetup). So take a wild guess who I ran into this morning at the bus stop. Thank god for early morning funerals.

But it was awkward. I mean, really…we’re not friends (nor do I want to be). What do you talk about to the man who you’re simply having sex with? We talked about the weather, the fact that his bag & keys ended up in Naperville on the day he was driving to Minneapolis, and the CTA. Seriously? I could care less.

I actually thought I was going to miss him totally. I was standing inside Dunkin Donuts when he walked by. My breath caught in my throat. I almost cancelled my order in order to go outside. Glad I didn’t though. He was still out there smoking (ick) when I left.

The first thing he asked me after we said our hellos was whether I usually took this bus. I said no and mentioned the funerals I had to sing. It made me feel like he was thinking I was stalking him which is so damn far from the truth. Dude, we live in the same neighborhood and happen to enjoy the same bar. We’re bound to run into each other. Are you really that stuck on yourself?

And this is exactly why I am able to have the sex with him without getting all emotional and stupid. Please dear god, let it continue this way. It would make my life so much easier.

Now, who wants to bet I’ll be hearing from him in the next week? (or the next few days…ha)

[Via http://whyshouldshe.wordpress.com]

Carter's Got Claws!

The Boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch today, and I was feeding Carter and commented on Carter’s feet. Since the day he was born, his big toe separates from his other toes. There’s a huge gap there. Tonight, we were looking closer, and the toe next to big toe, curves. He literally has these little bird feet.

I took him for a bath today, and that was a gong show. Now that he’s figured out how to roll from his back to his stomach, he kept rolling over in the bath. Normally, he loves taking baths and kicks and squirms and squeals. Today, he didn’t like that bath at all. I laid him down in it, he starts screaming. Then he rolls over, start screaming more. Needless to say, it was an extremely quick bath.

Keirnan, the wonderful, curious little brat that he is, was horrible today. Most of the morning he was fussy, then in the afternoon when I started some cleaning, he was literally right underneath of me the entire time, and then right before dinner he goes downstairs, not completely uncommon of him. He goes down there to play with his cars alot, so naturally I assume that’s what he’s doing. Though I think it’s mighty odd that it’s time for me to cook dinner, and he’s nowhere around.

So I go downstairs to check on him, and I get to about the fourth step from the bottom, and find a HUGE pile of laundry soap dumped all over the floor. He’s sitting there with his hands all in it. This is after emptying the toilet onto the bathroom floor the other day. He’s just getting into everything.

With the older two, when they were this age, we lived on a single floor of a two-bedroom apartment. There weren’t many places the two of them could go to get into much trouble. Keirnan on the other hand, has two floors, three rooms and a downstairs bathroom to get into!

Kenzie and Kaeidyn have both been getting really into games lately. I wake up to Kaeidyn and Kenzie playing Lego: Star Wars. Less than an hour later, Kenzie’s asking if him and Kaeidyn could play the Wii together. After they get kicked off the Wii for arguing so much, they both come and play together on the computer.

I’m scared to see what my kids are going to be like as they age. They’re so over-stimulated. Electronics like rule their life. I wish my childhood would’ve been more like that. All the things I wanted to know when I was younger, would’ve been right at my fingertips. I tell you though, I would’ve been one smart and very cocky SOB.

I was trying to fix the bluriness of my TV today, and we have my guitar in it’s case behind one of three DVD shelves (I know, ridiculous). So I’m screwing around back there, and had to pull my guitar out. I miss my guitar so much. I seriously need to invest in a new one. Or some sort of musical instrument. It’s driving me nuts not playing. And I’ve been coming up with so many good little ditties, and I would love to be putting some of them down.

This morning was pretty awesome. I finally got a sleep in day. Still not a very late sleep in, only 10 AM. But at 9, I called The Boyfriend to take Carter upstairs, so I could sleep by myself for an hour. I slept incredibly soundly, and it felt so good. The Boyfriend even got a pretty good sleep in today, and I had no problems whatsoever getting him out of bed. I went down said “It’s 7 o’clock, dinner’s ready and coffees percolating” and he jumped up out of bed, curious what was for dinner. He always asks and I never tell him ;)

I even went out of my way to cuddle with him today. It was more or less pointed out to me the other night, that it takes being intimate to receive intimacy. If I don’t cuddle him, he won’t cuddle me. If I don’t make sexual advances at him, he won’t do it to me. It’s very give and take, and I’ve, in a way, been taking without alot of give. So I think it’s officially a goal to change that.

I’m also happy to report that I finally got a decent Wii Fitness Age. I’m officially only at 26!!! The lowest I had gotten before that was 29, and I know you’re thinking “Well 3 years isn’t that much”, but that means that I’m 3 years closer to my actual age. That’s exciting being that the oldest I’ve been is 78!!!

So that’s my day in a nutshell! How was yours?

[Via http://rantingsofatorturedmind.wordpress.com]

Friday, February 19, 2010

Mastering the Art of the Quickie

Our society is go-go-go all the time. Everything is about multitasking. You can check your email from your phone as you wait in line for your triple venti mocha latte, Skype with your mom from your desk at work and catch up on the latest episode of your favorite t-v show (which you TiVo, of course) as you run on the treadmill. Living in a world where everyone’s motto seems to be ‘the faster, the better’ (think internet, fast food restaurants and quick fix diets) sex is really no different. Everyone wants it, but they don’t always leave time for it. However, I would like to redefine the word Quickie, as  the word usually conjures up images of a trip to a dirty restaurant bathroom while you and your honey wait for your appetizer at TGI Friday’s (although that can be nice, too).
         In the daily hustle-and bustle of get to work/class, the gym, the bank, the store and all in time to get home to cook dinner, you may throw yourself in bed at 11 pm and think sex? yeah right? I can barely stay up long enough to finish this last chapter of Twilight (gag). Here is where the quickie comes in. No matter how much time you have (or don’t have) there is always enough time for a little flash-fix of lovin’. Sex creates a rise in your levels of serotonin, that happy, warm feeling that also accompanies a glass of wine or a bar of superior dark chocolate. It creates a feeling of closeness with you and your significant other and can help reduce stress,and you can still get all of these ooey-gooey side effects even if your sack session only lasts 6 1/2 minutes. 
       While most people think of spontaneous quickies, planning time in your day for it will still give you all the great sexy side effects. Set your alarm clock ten minutes early in the morning. Schedule a lunch date with your guy or girl and say to them ‘you have exactly 8 minutes to do whatever you want to me, and then I am out the door.’ Creating a time frame, even a prescheduled one, will still give you the sense of excitement and thrill because you know the clock is tick-tick-ticking. Also, planning a dirty date (before the kids get home from soccer practice, while the lasagna is in the oven or before your room-mate gets home from her 3pm class) in advance gives you something to look forward to all day, so put on some sexy lingerie (or your favorite silky boxers) before you head out the door in the morning.  Feeling the racy undergarments while you sit at your desk (at work, in class) will amp you up, and by the time your rendezvous rolls around, you will be raring to go. 
    Another ingredient that can make a quickie, well, quicker, is lube. If you read my previous lube post, than you already know what an advocate I am for the sticky stuff. However, while I am a huge-foreplay fanatic, if you’re on a tight schedule, it often gets knocked to the side. If you have a bottle of lube on hand, than you can still get down comfortably without having to do so much prep work. However, make sure that you don’t get lazy and resort to using lube as a foreplay substitute in full length sex-sessions, too. 
       When it comes down to it, just like a balanced diet and exercise, sex is part of a healthy lifestyle. Everyone would be a lot calmer and happier if they simply got it on more often. Perhaps that should be your new years resolution (nothing wrong with making one a few months late…) If you only have fifteen minutes (or ten, or five) to get your freak on, go for it. A little bit goes a long way.

[Via http://sexytofu.wordpress.com]

He's out of my life

I had an epiphany this morning as I was walking my dog.  MM is not part of my life anymore.  I know that sounds simple, but it’s not something that I’ve been able to process.  We don’t speak, email, text; we are not connected on any social or business networking sites; we don’t travel together, work together.  I no longer check my emails for something from him.  Things in my life, professionally have been extraordinary and he’s not part of that.  I have shared my good news and accomplishments with other people.  Not him.  He needs to think about what he wants, doesn’t want, needs, doesn’t need without me, without my influence and what he has succeeded in doing is alienating me.  He has pushed me away so ferociously, that I’ve retreated.  And now, he’s really not part of my life.  As I think about what I want to do, he is not a part of that equation.  While I think about what’s best for me and my kids, he’s not part of that decision.  I can’t say that I don’t feel empty or lonely.  I do.  But I think that feeling would exist simply because right now that’s where I’m at.  I’m not dating anyone – or at least anyone that I like very much.  In a way it is like high school all over again.  Except that I’m too old for that.

Yesterday was my anniversary.  If I were still married, it would have been 19 years of marriage.  I believe that my divorce decree, after a long, acrimonious 2 year divorce process, was entered 6 days earlier.  I mourn the loss of MM more than the loss of my marriage.  My marriage had died years before the divorce ever began.  All that was left was to bury it.  My relationship with MM was . . . on it’s way? declining? reaching the end? strengthening? moving in a new direction?  I don’t know.  That part makes me sad.  But interestingly, the longing isn’t there like it was.  The ache and pain isn’t there, like it once was.  I can’t remember how many days it’s been since I was with my MM without looking at a calendar.  (The date – of course – December 4, 2009, but not how many days it’s been.  I just counted them -  76 days since we last saw each other.  It made my heart sink.)  It feels sad and it feels good.  It is like another little death.  I remember in December wishing time to hurry up and make me forget.  I prayed that the pain would go away.  And it really has started to go.  In big chunks.

Ironically, I realized how late it is and remembered, that one time when MM was sleeping over, he logged on to his Facebook account and I watched him type his password.  I never really thought about it.  Until tonight.  Since it’s so late and I know he goes to sleep early, I tried to log on to his account and succeeded.  I thought that my heart would beat right out of my chest to see his account, his messages, his photos.  What I saw made me sick – and after I thought I was fine.  He asked me to go on a business trip with him last week, after his wife supposedly threw him out of the house.  What I saw in his “in box” was that not only did she not throw him out, but she went with him, they had dinner with work people that he and I know, that I work with, that I see, that I have a relationship with and he had the fucking balls to call me the next day, when he got into the office, to tell me that he thought of me when he was traveling and missed me.  Fuck your wife?  Or was she the babysitter?  My face is burning.  I’m humiliated — that I’m a so fucking stupid to believe any words that come out of his mouth; to think that he cares about me, misses me, thinks about me, respects me.  None of those things are true.  Not a single one.  He posts Springsteen as his status – because I’m a fan and his wife hates him.  Some kind of message to me.  Hey, asshole, she changed your profile so you’re invisible to me!  If I didn’t log on to my daughter’s account, I wouldn’t even see.  Nice profile picture of him, his wife, his kids.  Fuck him.  I’m a fool.  A stupid, fucking fool.  That I could have had one thought that this man was telling me truth about anything.  Ever.  That I could still love him, be in love with him, want to be with him, fantasize what a life with him might be like.  People have asked me why I haven’t come out said that I love my MM – and this is why.  To continue to believe it or think it causes nothing anymore but pain.  What is the point of unreciprocated, unrequited love.  I’m not 15 years old anymore.  It’s not cute, it’s not endearing.  It is pitiful.  And I refuse to be pitiful.  And there’s no way, on god’s green earth, that I’m anyone’s second choice.  He can do whatever he wants, with whoever he wants.  But it’s not going to be me.

He’s Out Of My Life

He’s Out Of My Life
And I Don’t Know Whether To Laugh Or Cry
I Don’t Know Whether To Live Or Die
And It Cuts Like A Knife
He’s Out Of My Life

It’s Out Of My Hands
It’s Out Of My Hands
To Think For Two Years he Was Here
And I Took him For Granted I Was So Cavalier
Now The Way That It Stands
He’s Out Of My Hands

So I’ve Learned That Love’s Not Possession
And I’ve Learned That Love Won’t Wait
Now I’ve Learned That Love Needs Expression
But I Learned Too Late

He’s Out Of My Life
He’s Out Of My Life
Damned Indecision And Cursed Pride
Kept My Love For Him Locked Deep Inside
And It Cuts Like A Knife
He’s Out Of My Life

Michael Jackson (R.I.P.)

[Via http://afunfair.wordpress.com]

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Tradin' Ass for Asphalt

Only in the south would a man named Billie Bobbie (can’t make this stuff up, folks) offer to trade a new driveway for sexual favors. But that’s exactly what happened near me this week, when Mr. Billie Bobbie (I’m perplexed by the feminine spelling of the two names) Harrison offered to pave a young woman’s driveway in exchange for oral sex.  Gives new meaning to laying asphalt.

Mr. Harrison, no doubt a person of class and intelligence, had a friend with him at the time, which makes sense if you think about it. Anyone who has driven through a road construction zone can attest, you need one person to do the work while a few others stand around and smoke cigarettes.

Anyhoo, his victim threw up the stop sign and called the police, who arrested Mr. Harrison for whipping out his road cone.

[Via http://thevinylvillage.wordpress.com]

Dianne at Mandy - Ang Sikreto ni Mandy 03 Mga Plano

Hindi rin ako matagal pang natulog. “11:35 am”, sabi ng relo pagkagising ko. Halos magda-dalawang oras na simula nang umalis si Mandy.

Matahimik pa ring nahihimbing si Dianne, may maliit na ngiti sa kanyang mala-anghel na mukha.

Maingat kong binawi ang aking brasong pinatungan n’ya ng ulo, na dahan-dahang nilapag ko sa malambot na unan. Gumawa s’ya ng isang maliit na tunog, ngunit mabuti na lang ay hindi nagising.

 

Pumunta akong kusina para gumawa ng kape at almusal. Tocino at itlog, ang paborito ni Dianne. Hindi ko mapigilang sumipol-sipol sa ganda ng aking gising. Habang nagpiprito ako’y chi-neck ko ang aking cell.

 

Nan’duon ang mga usual suspects; mga kaibiga’t kakilalang nag-uunahang mag-text ng kani-kanilang mga pagbati. Meron ding text at ilang missed calls mula sa aking mga magulang at kapatid. Napangiti ako sa iba, at nagulat rin sa ibang mga text mula sa mga taong hindi ko inaasahan. Nakuha ko na rin ang fi-norward na malalaswang litrato ni Mandy mula sa aming kakatapos lang na orgy, at tinatak sa aking isip na kailangan ko itong ilipat sa computer at burahin sa cell.

Sa lahat-lahat ay hindi kukulang sa trenta ang mga pagbati, ngunit may ilang namumukod-tangi:

 

  1. May text ako galing kay Julie Arcilla, na sa apat na taon kong nakilala’y ngayon lang ako binati. “Happy birthday Maxie! May God keep you safe always! Ur a precious friend J” sabi nito. Hindi pa kami nagkikita nito simula nang mapilit kami ni Mandy na pumunta sa isa sa kanilang mga YFC meetings at napilitan akong mag-volunteer. Pinagdasal kong malilimutan na lamang niyang kakilala n’ya kami, ngunit ‘precious friend’ na pala ako sa kanya ngayon. Patay.
  2. Nag-text din si Chrissy, ang nakababatang kapatid ni Mandy. Ngayon ko lang naalalang may number nga pala ako nito dahil minsang ginamit ni Mandy ang aking cell upang tawagan s’ya. “Hi kuya this is Chris is ate w/u po?” tanong nito. Kahapon pa ang text na ‘to, at malamang ay s’ya ang kausap ni Mandy kaninang umaga. Sumagot akong “Umalis sha 2 hours ago. R u ok?”, upang masigurong hindi isang peligrosong emergency ang tinakbuhan ni Mandy.
  3. Mayroong picture message mula sa cell ni Lauren. Magkasama sila ni Dan sa isang Starbucks, nakangising-kabayo at may hawak na papel. “Painom ka, GAGO!” nakasulat dito, at nakangarat pa ang dalawa. Natawa ako ngunit napaisip rin; kelan pa gumimik nang magkasama ang dalawang ‘to? Miiisteryoooo. Hmmm….

Habang ako’y nagmumuni-muni sa pagpiprito ng itlog ay sumulpot si Dianne sa may pintuan.

 

“Hi cutie.” Bati niya. Tinanggal na n’ya ang kanyang kurbata at school skirt at gaya ng kanyang nakasanayan na’y pumitik na lang ng isa sa aking mga t-shirt at sinuot ito. Ngayo’y isang malaking itim na “Metallica” t-shirt ang kanyang kinuha. Naglakad s’ya patungo sa’kin at sinalubong ko s’ya ng isang akap. Napakalambot. Sinubsob n’ya ang mukha n’ya sa aking dibdib bago tumingala sa akin. “Happy Birthday” bati n’ya ulit.

 

“Thanks babe. Ok ka lang?”

 

“Mmm-hmm. Masakit lang ng konti ‘yung puwit ko bakit kaya?” palaro n’yang pinalo ang aking braso at umupo sa hapag. Umupo ako sa isa pang silya at hinaplos-haplos ang kanyang pisngi. Hinalikan n’ya ang aking kamay. Walang katumbas.

 

“So anong plano mo? Party ba tayo?” tanong n’ya.

 

“I guess. Bukas na, maski maliit lang siguro. Maski si Mands, si Dan, ‘tsaka sino ba ‘yung kaibigan mong tisay?”

 

“’Yung iskandalosang bungangera?” pangiti n’yang tanong.

 

“Oo ‘yun.”

 

“Nalimutan ko na. Pero sige, text ko.” Tumipa-tipa s’ya sa kanyang cell. “Invite ko na rin ba si Julie? Para may pray-over ka sa birthday mo?”

 

“Sige kung gusto mong grape juice ang tomahin natin.”

 

“Gusto ko ng grape juice bakit ba. So invite ko na s’ya, ha?”

 

“Gawin mo ‘yan break na tayo.” Banta ko.

 

“Ay hindi na po hindi na po sorry.” Hagikgik n’ya, ngunit “texting…Julie…sent. Ayan.” dinagdag n’ya, sabay ngiti sa akin nang parang batang mag ginawang kalokohan.

 

“Ha. Ha. Cute mo.” Maingat kong pinindot ang kanyang ilong.

 

“Alam ko. Penge food gutom na’ko.”

 

Pinaghainan ko na s’ya at agad naman n’ya itong sinalakay. Matakaw talaga ang aking girlfriend, ngunit hindi ko alam kung saan n’ya ito nilalagay dahil kahit kaila’y hindi s’ya tumataba. At wala rin akong problema dito, dahil kakaunti lang ang mas se-sexy sa isang babaeng masarap kumain.

 

Nag-vibrate ang aking cell. Sagot mula kay Chrissy.

 

“am ok po kuya thank you. Happy birthday po! ^_^” nakalagay dito. Lumingon si Di at pinakita ko ito sa kanya.

 

“Tine-text ka ni Chrissy?”

 

“Hinahanap si Mands.” Sagot ko.

 

“Parang tanga ‘yang dalawang ‘yan, parang hindi nagkikita sa bahay.” Ani Di, na umupo ng diretso sa upuan, at pagkatapos ng ilang sandaling mataimtim na meditiation, ay nagpakawala ng isang malakas na dighay. “Salamat po!” sigaw n’ya.

 

“Classy.” Biro ko.

 

“I know, right?” ayon n’ya. Iba talaga ‘pag mahal mo, kahit ano pang gawin n’ya hindi ka matu-turn off. “Oh so anong gagawin mo for today?”

 

“Ewan. Tambay lang siguro. Gusto mong makitambay? Laro tayo?” tukso ko, nag-aahas na ng isang kamay sa kanyang makinis na legs.

 

“Mmmm…” ngiti n’ya, at hinalikan ako sa labi. “Gusto ko sana, pero may meeting ako kay Sir Panopio mamaya, e.” bulong n’ya.

 

“Sigurado ka? Alam mo namang nagiging ‘creative’ ako ‘pag ganitong wala akong ibang iniisip.” Ganti ko.

 

“Ehhh.” Simangot n’ya, “Sorry babe gusto ko sana kaso kailangan ko ‘tong meeting, e.”

 

Ngumiti ako. “Hehe. Ok lang, ‘no ito naman. Sobra-sobra na nga ‘yung ginawa n’yo kanina e. Ok ‘nang nan’dito ka.” Sabi ko.

 

“Bj kita gusto mo?”

 

“Aba’y opo!” mala-kidlat kong payag.

 

“Hihihi…oh, bukaka!” hagikgik n’ya. Mabilis s’yang dumulas sa ilalim ng lamesa at sumulpot sa gitna ng aking mga binti. Muli n’yang hinila pababa ang aking jogging pants. Anak ng teteng parati na lang akong hinuhubuan J

 

Tinanggal ng morena ang aking jogging pants at brief. “Ay, malambot pa. Gising na, baby.” Lambing n’ya sa aking titi, pinipisil-pisil ito. “Ay, pakipot ka pa.” bulong n’ya, at malambot na sinubo ang aking titi.

 

Parang may salamangka ang bibig at dila ni Dianne, dahil ilang Segundo lang n’yang nilaro-laro sa kanyang mainit na dila at laway ang aking manoy ay agad na itong tumayo. “Ayaaaan.” Ngiti n’ya, sabay supsop muli.

 

Wala nang padahan-dahan ang aking girlfriend. Ubos-lakas s’yang nagsipsip-titi, at kusa pang binabara ang aking tarugo sa kanyang lalamunan.

 

“Tang inah.” Ungol ko, habang ang ulo ng aking titi ay minamasahe ng kanyang lalamunan.

 

“Waakkk…” nabilaukan s’ya, ngunit tumuloy-tuloy pa rin sa pagsalsal. Halos matanggal na ang aking titi sa lakas ng kanyang paghigop.

 

“Grrr…ang sarap, babe.” Singhal ko, habang ang kanyang malalambot na mga labi ay tinikol ang korona ng aking ari.

 

Niluwa n’ya bigla ang aking tarugo, at gamit na pampadulas ang sarili n’yang laway ay jinakol ako. “Labas naa…labas naa…baby labas mo na ‘yung milk mo para sa’kin…please? Ilabas mo lahat sa kamay ko please? Para mainom ko na…para mainom na ng puta mo please?” litanya n’ya, titig na titig sa akin, nanghahamon.

 

“Tang ina ka…ang lakas mong…mangtikol…putahhh!” napasigaw ako, at sinabuyan nga s’ya ng katas ng aking tite. Mukhang hindi inasahan ni Di na ganuon kalakas ang pagtilamsik ng aking tamod dahil nagulat s’ya nang imbes na sa kanyang naghihintay na kamay ay dumiretso sa kanyang mukha ang aking katas. Ngunit mabilis rin s’yang nakabawi, habang isa pang malakas na tilamsik ay umabot sa kanyang buhok, ang iba nama’y mapayapa at malapot na tumulo sa kanyang kamay.

 

“Hihihi…shit, grabe. Sa’n nanggaling ‘yun?” tawa n’ya, habang sinasalat sa kanyang magandang itim na buhok ang aking malapot na tamod.

 

“Hahaha…sorry, babe, meron pa pala.” Tawa ko.

 

“Sorry sorry ka d’yan, gustong-gusto mo naman akong tinatamudan sa mukha.” Tukso n’ya, patuloy na pinupunasan ang sarili, pati na ang kanyang pisngi at pilik-matang hindi rin nakaligtas sa aking pambababoy.

 

“Actually, oo nga, hehe,” ayon ko, “teka kuha kita ng tissue.”

 

Ngunit pinigilan n’ya ako. “Hindi, ‘wag na maliligo naman na ako, eh. Linisin ko lang pututoy mo teka.” At muli n’yang sinupsop ang king titi, sinasaid ang kung ano pa mang natirang tamod, bago ito masayang lumunok at tumayo. “Hihi. Sige ligo lang ako.” Hagikgik n’ya, may tamod pa sa ilong. Hinalikan n’ya ako sa pisngi at tumakbo patungo sa banyo.

 

“Sama ‘ko!” tawag ko. Dumila lang s’ya at ni-lock ang pinto.

 

Pagkatapos ay mabilis s’yang nagbihis, habang ekspertong tinataboy ang aking mapag-larong pangmomolestiya. Pagkatapos ng isang halik sa labi at pagtangging magpahatid ay lumabas na s’ya ng bahay, at ako’y naiwang mag-isa.

 

Nagtrabaho ako sandali sa aking thesis paper nang tumawag si Dan.

 

“Bro kumusta?” sagot ko.

 

“’Tol, hindi ka maniniwala kung anong nangyari kagabi.”

 

“Nag-date kayo ni Ren?”

 

“’Tol nag-de…pa’no mo nalaman?”

 

“Ti-next n’ya ko ng picture n’yo, tanga.”

 

“Ay oo nga ‘no,” natigilan s’ya, “so sa’n inuman?”

 

“Dito na lang. Alas-otso bukas.”

 

“Nice. Nice. Ano nga ba pinag-uusapan natin?”

 

“Si Ren.”

 

“Ah. Si Ren. Oo nga. Nag-date kami kagabi, ‘tol.”

 

“O sige. Balitaan mo ‘ko mamaya. Sabay na ba kayong pupunta?”

 

“Sana. Kung pumayag. Sige kita na lang.”

 

“Bye.”

 

Hanlabo talagang kausap nito minsan.

 

Halos matatapos ko na ang thesis at itinabi ito sandali. Mayroon ding isang tumpok ng mga papel katabi nito; ang mga scholarship applications na binigay sa amin ni sir Panopio. Ilang araw na rin akong nakikipagtitigan dito, parang isang gawaing hindi ko masimulan. Hindi pa naman siguradong makakapasok ako, pero minsa’y parang ayoko man lang isipin ang posibilidad na umalis ng bansa at baka mawalay kay Dianne.  Napagdesisyunan kong mag-internet na lang sandali. Binuksan ko ang aking facebook account, at bukod sa mga usual na pagbati ay mayroon din akong isang “event invitation”.

 

“BIRTHDAY NI MAXIE!” nakalagay dito. Alas-otso ng gabi sa apartment ko. Hindi na ako nagtaka nang makita ko kung sino ang pasimuno nito: “Lauren Ganda de la Rama is your friend” sinabi sa’kin ng Facebook. Hambilis namang magkalat nitong isang ‘to. Kung tutuusin lang ay bagay nga sila ni Dan, pareho silang hanlabo. At ang mas hanlabo pa, mahigit bente katao ang kanyang inimbitahan, at sampu na ang nagsabing pupunta sila.

 

Agad ko s’yang tinawagan.

 

“Hello, happy birthday!” masaya n’yang sagot, “mukhang nag-enjoy ka na masyado umagang-umaga pa lang ah!

 

“Ha?”

 

“Uh…wala. So pupunta ka ba sa birthday celebration mo?”

 

“Wow, Ren, grabe. Wow. Ang lupet mo. Nag-imbita ka ng benteng tao?”

 

“Hehehe you’re welcome. ‘Wag ka na mag-alala potluck naman, e, ‘tsaka sagot ko na ‘yung alkohol.”

 

“E ba’t ‘andami mong inimbitahan?”

 

“So huwat? Para ka namang others puro kaibigan mo naman ‘yang mga ‘yun, ‘di ba? Sina Abby, sina Julie, Pammy, Carlos, si Mark…”

 

“Teka teka, sino?”

 

“Si Carlos at si Mark? ‘Di ba barkada mo ‘yun?”

 

“Oo pero…hindi sila ‘yung…inin-vite mo si Julie?”

 

“Oo naman, ‘di ba nagbalik-loob sa diyos na kayo ni chekwa, so ininvite ko na rin. Sorry nga pala ininvite ko rin si Pammy maski ‘di kayo close, pero ayaw mo nu’n may artista sa birthday mo?”

 

“Si Pammy? Si Pamela Sandoval i-ninvite mo sa birthday ko?”

 

“Mm-hmm. You’re welcome.”

 

“Para namang walang gagawing mas maayos ‘yang mga ‘yan bukas?”

 

“Hello? Nag-confirm na kaya. Excited na nga si Julie e tinatanong kung anong klaseng juice raw ‘yung dadalhin n’ya.”

 

“Juice?”

 

Humagikgik ang tisay. “Oo, ang cute nga e. Sabi ko magdala s’ya ng grape juice. Si Pammy magdadala daw ng pasta.”

 

“Pupunta rin si Pammy?”

 

“Oo nga e ang kulit mo. You’re  welcome ulit. Alam ko namang baliw na baliw kayong mga boys ‘dun e.

 

“Wow, Ren. Wow.”

 

“Magpapasalamat ka ba o tatarayan mo lang ako? Busy rin kaya ako ‘no?”

 

“Talaga? Anong ginagawa mo?”

 

Natigilan s’ya sandali. “Uhm…nag…uh…nag-aaral ako.”

 

“…nag-aaral ka? Kaya pala nakakita ako ng puting uwak kanina.”

 

“Pak yu Max! Goodbye. Kita kita na lang mamaya.” Binagsak n’ya ang telepono.

 

Nakipagtitigan ulit ako sa scholarship papers. Pumikit ako at bumunot ng isa: “University of California Berkley” sabi nito. Sinimulan ko na itong sulatan.

[Via http://maxiemoreno.wordpress.com]

Monday, February 15, 2010

Movie: An Education

I was resistant to seeing this movie at first, since the narrative hinges on an affair between an older man and a sixteen-year-old girl. But a person for whom I have respect said it was one of the most beautiful film she had seen in years, and so I went, looking forward to the beauty.

I still respect this person. I didn’t see the beauty.

There are wonderful things about the film. Carey Mulligan certainly deserves her Oscar nomination for Best Actress for her portrayal of Jenny. She shines and beams and does a remarkable job of capturing an intense, intelligent, independent teenage girl who is chomping at the bit to get out into the world. Peter Sarsgaard should have been nominated for Best Supporting Actor: he is convincing as a seducer, a conflicted seducer who is more than a predator.

But he is a predator, and I do not find that beautiful.

Various reviewers (check out reviews of movies at mrqe.com – Movie Review Query Engine) find David, Sarsgaard’s character, to be confused and childish, and certainly Sarsgaard does a good job of playing these characteristics which contrast sharply with Jenny’s business-like attitude to losing her virginity and experiencing the world. She is seduced more by sophistication, or her perception of sophistication, than she is by love or even by attraction. But Sarsgaard’s acting is so finely nuanced that he is not just clutzy: he is a seducer of spirit and sense, seduced as much as he seduces. By the end of the movie we see that while he might be more, he is also a predator. Craven and weak and an emotional boy, but a predator.

And while I think Mulligan’s acting is excellent as well, the writing of her character might be what stops the movie short of deserving its Best Film nomination. Because she is craven too, to some degree. The life she thinks she wants – and still seems to want at the end of the movie – is based on a veneer and lacks moral conviction. The shock she receives does not mean unrequited love – it’s an interruption of her plans. A veneer is something we lay over a solid base. It cannot be a base itself. And so, although she shows courage in her teenage character by resuming pursuit of her own life (finally, it is a relief to see a story in which sex does not destroy a girl), she seems to be no different morally. I can’t give away any more. But suffice it to say that one phrase in the ending voiceover indicates that she is not much different after her experience than she was before. It’s still sophistication for the sake of sophistication for which she yearns. She hasn’t learned anywhere near as much as she thinks she has.

Involved in academics for quite a while, I have seen too much damage done in the boundary-crossing relationships between older men and female students (and older women and male students, in a couple of instances). In real life I have never seen this be a beautiful thing. I have a feeling that this movie appeals to so many because the technical and artistic aspects are top-notch (except for the writing, for which Nick Hornby has been nominated for an Oscar), and because an older man and younger girl have a sexual and sensual relationship: neither is accountable and she survives. The film displays the fantasies of a lot of older men and a lot of younger women without messy complications.  No punishment, no accountability, no loss (in the end), no moral depth, no courage of convictions.

[Via http://feast4thought.wordpress.com]

mmmm butter my nuts

Jack and i were about an hour out of that disaster called Portage la Prairie and were now coming up on some place called Brandon. the gps appeared to be telling me we could pass just the outskirts, and not really have to go through the city itself, if i just kept going straight. seeing as we were  not long on the road and we were so eager to go west, we decided to pass up on this city. the only stop we’d make was to get some coffee for the road. it was almost too convenient to be true….a Tim Horton’s right off the highway and on our side too!

the drive thru lane was exactly as you’d expect, and since i was already in the mood for a little stretch i made the smart move to park and go inside. see it was inside that i met one of the most interesting people ever. as i walked directly towards the counter to place my order since there was no line, this sketchy skinny little guy walks by. kinda odd-looking little fucker to tell you the truth. not ugly….just someone who strikes you as a separate entity from the normal zombies you meet… not swimming against the current so much as swimming in a different current. tiny little head with big fucking ears and a ridiculously large and shiny hat for a white boy in the middle of the goddamn prairies.  

well this ballsy fucker is waiting for me outside when i walk back to the car. he catches me as i was about to open the door. “hey man” he started, ” you like chron?” ” i could smell it on you…inside” he continued as he tried to reassure me with his friendly eyes, resting either side his pointy nose that matched his angular smile all the while nodding and kinda bouncing i think? hard to say. he never seemed to stop moving but never moved a step either. i can make you paranoid until you start to catch his pace and roll with it.  he could see my suspicions too, so he went on again “no man it’s cool, i got “j” with me and i thought maybe we could smoke it together?”

hmm i thought about it for a moment. i looked at jack. fuck he was not gonna help with this one, too busy licking his own ass. “well that’s a pretty nice offer your making” i offered. no harm in prying a little i thought, so i asked “whats your deal man?” ” i mean… you looking for a ride or something?” “just curious you know, im not accustomed to being approached in this way.”

“yeah a ride would be great if your going towards Regina” he eagerly threw out at me.
“hell im going farther west than that”
“could i get a lift with ya?”

again i looked at Jack to see if he pried himself away from his own ass and knew what was going on. his eyes were locked on us and he seemed to be excited about having some additional company for a while.  “all right man, sure. what the fuck hop in….what’s your name anyway?”
“Briggs”
“well let’s go”

well i can say with certainty that boy had some mighty good weed. that shit hit like Wilma with a frying pan. straight to the head and funny as hell. but the let me tell you, Briggs the skinny kid who apparently shops at Mr Big and Tall, was everything that is right with this country. he’s smart, funny, eager to live and find adventure, and quite a clever side ingenuity. he has a sense of urgency about him.

i had some Blues Traveller on and we were nearing the end of that joint as we coasted down the highway before we finally spoke again.   ”so why Regina” i asked simply
“well i got some work lined up there” he started then filled me in on one of the most disgusting things i have ever heard. ” i just got laid off” Briggs told me, which i have to assume has become sort of stimulus to what’s coming. “and i kinda got to thinking about things a little”. ” i wanted to do something different, somewhere else. just a fresh start. feel like i’m going nowhere here. job i just got laid off from well fuck i hated it anyway. kinda fucks with your head after a while. i know this is gonna sound totally fucked but my job was to jerk off pigs!”

“what” i screeched at him. “what the fuck do you mean ‘jerking off pigs’, like cops?
“haha no” he laughed ” i mean like real pigs. boars. for all those sow barns we have in this province to use for artificial insemination”.
“hmm well i guess that’s better than jerking off cops” i offered. “im afraid to ask this, but how do you do that anyway? i mean physically and mentally?” i finished in a state of confusion. i’ve never heard of such things.
“yeah. ha. yeah, i know. it’s sick hey?” “but fuck it i’ll try anything ya know” ” why not?” “i don’t care.” he rattled back at me. “seriously man it’s not that bad. you just gotta get over the mental side first. kinda block it out and don’t think about what you are really doing.” “but all you really do is let this big boars into this pen with a dummy sow in it…”

“hold on” i interrupted ” what the fuck does a dummy sow look like?”
“ha..it’s just this piece of plastic kinda like a saddle. but with pegs instead of stirrups, so the boar can leverage his body up.”
“uh huh”
“yeah it’s not like a stuffed pig  or anything like that ha ha”
“so what do yo do then?”
“when he starts to thrust i grab the end of his cock and squeeze. then he starts to jizz so i collect it in this big styrofoam cup with a filter over it”. ” after a while you get so use to it, you start to make fun of it with your co-workers. its funny how it just becomes so natural to talk about it”
“ok well fuck that’s enough for me, thanks” i stopped him ” jesus i get it, but if you’ll do just about anything tell me something interesting. the kind a thing nobody would ever think about a good canadian citizen like yourself.” why fuck around i thought. this little shit was making me sick after so much promise. it was time for him to prove his worth. i wasn’t gonna let him hide behind that good weed forever.  Regina was still a long way off a couple hours at least as i recall. and no way in hell was i gonna listen to this kinda shit for that long. “come on” i demanded “get on with it…tell me something. pick deep inside that brain and tell me what young canadians think nowadays.”
“haha ok” he snickered “here’s one for you. haha.” “kay here it is, i’ve never told anyone this before so you gotta keep it quiet. and you can use it too if you want.” ” so you know how you can bake pot” he nodded
i nodded to keep him going but keeping my eyes on the hypnotizing highway patterns.
“kay well in order to do that you basically just dissolve all the crystals with the thc into melted butter and filter it. then you use the butter with all the thc for baking what you want….ok you with me?”
again i nodded
“well i was doing that once while watching a porno in the kitchen and it gave me this idea. this is sick man, but i swear it works. you gotta seriously not share this with anyone ok?”
“yes yes” i blurted with anticipation.
“the guy in the porno was letting this woman put some oil on his balls that apparently made them tingle while she sucked on them! so i came up with this idea that maybe i could mix my weed butter with this edible ball cream! hahaha!
“oh my god” i laughed “are you fucking serious? did it work?”
“yeah i know. hahahaha. crazy sick shit huh? yeah yeah it works. i went to a sex shop and found this cream, which by the way works, claimed to taste like strawberry to her and tingle my balls. i took half it out and replaced with my weed butter!”
my god his eyes were just wild with excitement.
“so i met this girl and she’s gonna give me a blow job back at my place and i ask if she’d like to use the cream? she’s interested so i show her the package. it looks legit so she’s down with it.”
Briggs continued to go on and on with every detail which i was eating up at the moment but don’t have the patience to get into at this time, however the nuts of the matter is this. this girl’s only suspicion that something was up?  the container had obviously been opened was easily explained away by claiming to have tested it on himself the night before. dirty scoundrel. trickster…goddamn i admire this young man.  he said this only seemed to excite her more. and as she began to work over his nuts, she started to get high. claiming that she immediately began to….well associate the high with his balls! by the end of it he says its been the most incredible blow job of his life and this girl is just thanking him so sincerely he compares it to born again christians professing their faith in jesus. 

he claims that although he may rob her of ever enjoying giving anyone but him a blow job, he’s given her something better. just like Pavlov’s dog. sexual satisfaction can also be trained. and he firmly believes by keeping the mystery alive it’s more rewarding for her. like i said earlier, he’s just different thinking. all well thought-out ideas, just not the normal reality tunnel of you or i. why is everyone around me in this car so put together except for me?  Jack i am positive knows who he is. i have never seen a sheep so comfortable in wolves skin. and this Briggs kid appears to have something going for himself. that much was now clear.  for the first time into this adventure i began to question what i was looking for.

[Via http://insanemonk.wordpress.com]

Friday, February 12, 2010

Tolerance, or lack thereof

I find that as I have gotten older I have grown even less tolerant of the world around me.

Cynical? Bitter? Maybe… Most likely, actually – but, also:

Am I less tolerant because I recognise so much more of the world’s existence (and so many people’s crazy thought processes) or is it because the population is showcasing more of their crazy?

I don’t know which it is. I just know that at this very moment I find myself to be rather grumpy at the world around me and the idiocy that so many people within it keep spewing as though it were law – or even truth for that matter.

Someone suggested that it’s the internet’s fault. That we are merely exposed to more of the world’s stupidity at a more rapid rate. I think there is something to be said about that theory.

Think about it:

In my youth, if you were a stupid extremist fundamentalist nutjob of some sort, you kept it within your little group of other nutjobs. Now? Now you can be an extremist nutjob with a blog or write for Examiner.com or something like that.

You’re given the chance to have a louder voice with a more broad reach thereby going out and finding every other nutjob that’s just like you.  Normally they would have been in a remote shack, hoarding weaponry in rural Montana, but thanks to the internet they can reach out and befriend each other over at some message board and pool their collective crazy.

Maybe that’s it.   It has to be.

Maybe I’m not entirely bitter (entirely) but just exposed to the irrationalities of humanity on a greater scale thus making me have to be forced to deal with them all on a more regular basis.  One time I could just avoid them or divorce them, but now I’m forced to watch them one-up each other’s crazy in some kind of a twisted circle-jerk; whereas, instead of releasing themselves into the center of the room, they all get to near-peak and then exhale their word jizz all over the interwebs for the rest of us to have to step in.

Yeah – I believe I’ve found my answer. Now, where did I put the paper towels?

[Via http://mostlikelyoffensive.wordpress.com]

John Mayer sucks even more than his music does

I’ve never paid attention to John Mayer because his music is shit. Boring, middle-of-the-road, I’d-rather-slice-my-nipples-off-than-listen-to-any-more-of-it shit. But I did read a bit of his Playboy interview yesterday, where he said his cock was a white supremacist.

Fuck Politeness has said everything that needs to be said about him: John Mayer’s ill-fated campaign to be seen as not a douche-bag.

Oh, and Mayer, you’re 32, grow the fuck up.

[Via http://newswithnipples.wordpress.com]

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Mythbusting: Boston Medical Group tackles most common sex myths

Did you know… ?

… even though most men think size matters in terms of length, surveys have revealed that girth, not length, may be a greater factor in female pleasure

… the “pull-out” method, also known as the rhythm method, is potentially the worst possible form of birth control. Men do not always know when ejaculatory fluid begins to seep out and even ahead of a perceptible orgasm, pre-ejaculate, which includes sperm, is released and is enough to get a woman pregnant

“There are a lot of people out there that are misinformed about a number of aspects related to sex, from physical pleasure and chemistry right up to the facts about procreation,” said Dr. Barry Buffman, a physician with Boston Medical Group. “Being knowledgeable and understanding the real facts is not only important because sex is such a vital part of our physical health and well-being – it actually increases the likelihood that your sex life will become more fulfilling and pleasurable.”

Read the full document, “Top Ten Myths About Sex,” then let us know what myths you think are most surprising.  What else have you heard that you would like to know is true or not?

[Via http://wrapmc.com]

Top Gay Porn Sites...Just in Time for the Single Valentine!

xtube.PNG
It is reported that ever second 28,258 internet users are viewing pornography. That’s a huge amount of attention given to something we rarely talk about in public so Alex and I decided that over a two week period, while out at the bars, we would ask gay men what were their favorite gay porn sites. Although you may be asking yourself, “who cares”, if you started reading this post, you’re probably just as curious as we were to find out the results. And honestly…who doesn’t love sex? So here are the results…

6. Monstercockland
Ok let’s be honest. The name speaks for itself.

5. Gaywatch
A search engine filled with clips of both professional and amateur porn.

4. Rockettube
More of the same but obviously most of the clips are sponsored by more specific websites such as Broke Straight Boys, Chaos Men and Randy Blue.

3. Gaytube
A porn search engine with both professional and amateur porn clips.

2. Sean Cody
Mostly hot, college aged, straight “acting” guys either solo or together. (Indiana also has a few home grown boys on this site that might look familiar).

And the winner is…

1. X-Tube
And this win was by a landslide. Almost everyone we spoke to told us this was their favorite site because it was constantly updated, easy to find tons of videos focused on their search subject and had mostly amateur video clips posted by users themselves. Incidentally, X-Tube promotes itself as “The #1 Amateur Tube Site”.

All of these sites, with the exception of Sean Cody and Monstercockland, are free, but even those two sites allow visitors.

When we asked our “participants” what they most often searched for they almost all told us “straight acting guys” and “amateur” videos. Hmmm…makes you wonder what our fantasies really say about us!

Enjoy and stay tuned because the STRAIGHT LIST is Next…We’ve already been warned that SPANKWIRE should be at the top of that list!!!

Eyes Open…We’re Watching!

[Via http://raannt.wordpress.com]

Monday, February 8, 2010

:::: CommUnity Salvage ::: ASG

ThriftStoreRemix’s mission is to highlight the efforts of those doing good works.

ASG like ThriftStoreRemix believes in community and architecture salvage, recycling, preservation and helping the community.   Preserving our history is important to current and future generations.

ASG is a nationally recognized, non-profit volunteer project of Preservation Greensboro, Incorporated, with support from the City of Greensboro. The project is to rescue and recycle materials from historic structures when they are remodeled or demolished, and return profits to the community through a grant program for historic residences.


[Via http://thriftstoreremix.wordpress.com]

Hayden Panettiere Sexy Pics

Hayden Panettiere Sexy Pics

Actress Hayden Panettiere is in love with a giant. Panettiere went public with a new relationship with boxer Wladimir Klitschko. But now rumor has it that Panettiere is already talking marriage.

Hayden Panettiere

Hayden Panettiere

Insiders are saying that “Hayden is head over heels with Wladimir. She says he’s her dream man — tall, dark and handsome! She’s hoping to have a ring on her finger by the end of the year.”

Panettiere’s new boyfriend is indeed tall at 6ft 6in, while Panettiere is a cutie at only 5 feet. The couple went public with their relationship at the West Of Musical gala in Hamburg, Germany.

Well its not too late. You can still ge a look at some great sexy pics at these links while she’s still single.

  • Hayden Panettiere Photo Gallery
  • Hayden Panettiere Bikini Pictures

    …..

  • [Via http://nearlynaked.wordpress.com]

    Friday, February 5, 2010

    10 Pentru sex

    10 lucruri care “iti spun” ca el vrea doar sex

    Din nou vorbim despre un EL care de data asta doreste doar o relatie sexuala. Cum stim? Pai…. suntem atente la urmatoarele aspecte:

    “1. Iti spune direct. Multi barbati nu se jeneaza sa precizeze de la inceput ca vor doar “fun”, nu o relatie serioasa. Cand un barbat iti spune asta din prima clipa, nu spera ca se va razgandi dupa prima partida de sex, nu-ti face iluzii, daca tu vrei ceva serios, renunta la el si mergi mai departe.

    2. Se comporta extrem de… sexual fata de tine. Cand esti la o intalnire cu un barbat, observa daca el aduce prea rapid discutia in zona sexuala. Aceasta familiaritate excesiva este adeseori ignorata si confundata cu o atractie puternica si o conectare pe aceeasi lungime de unda (sindromul “El nu se poate abtine pentru ca ma place foarte mult.”) De fapt, ceea ce ii place lui foarte mult este ideea de a te avea in pat. Daca el dirijeaza mereu conversatia catre sex, daca iti priveste sanii si… nu numai, este evident ca are un singur gand in minte si acela nu este cel de a te cunoaste mai bine.

    3. Incearca mai mult decat un sarut la prima intalnire. In general, oricat de puternica ar fi scanteia nascuta intre tine si el, un barbat care te place cu adevarat isi va controla impulsurile sexuale si isi va tine mainile deasupra mijlocului cel putin in prima seara…

    4. Iti sugereaza sa deveniti f*ck buddies. Asta nu se intampla pentru ca el nu ar fi pregatit pentru o relatie serioasa, ci pentru ca nu vrea decat sex si nu are chef sa se implice emotional.

    5. Asteapta ceva in schimb pentru ca te-a scos in oras si a platit masa la restaurant. Exista barbati care gandesc “a plati pentru o iesire in oras” = “a primi sex la schimb”. Acesta nu este un mod de a trata pe cineva cu mult mai grozav decat daca ar fi vorba de o prostituata si nu reprezinta in nici un caz o indicatie ca barbatul respectiv ar vrea sa intre intr-o relatie seriaosa cu tine.

    6. Nu incearca sa-ti cunoasca personalitatea.

    7. Te suna 1) cand este intuneric, 2) tarziu si 3) ca sa aranjati unde sa faceti sex.

    8. ’Relatia’ voastra nu a depasit stadiul in care el plateste bautura si masa si apoi ajungeti in pat.

    9. El nu doreste sa faca nimic care sa implice prea multa conversatie, cu exceptia cazului in care conduce la sex.

    10. Dupa ce partida de sex s-a incheiat, el dispare in graba.“

    Ce parere aveti? Fetelor, ati intalnit astfel de barbati si ati reusit sa va prindeti ce vor? Baietilor, va recunoasteti in aceasta descriere, in cazul in care ati urmarit sa fiti cu o fata doar pentru sex?

    [Via http://losty88.wordpress.com]

    E-cards valentines gift

    As Valentine’s madness mounts we all want to spoil our loved ones but we don’t have money. Everyone knows January was the longest month and half the income you get will go to debts you made last month. But with the assistance of technology you can send a stunning personalized e-card to your loved ones and make them feel really special.

    An e-card is similar to a postcard or greeting card but the difference is that it is created using digital media and not paper. You can get a free e-card on various internet sites and you can send them to recipients via e-mail or mobile phones. read more on
    http://www.sevafrica.com/modules/garden/article.php?news_id=62&op=byid

    [Via http://sevafrica.wordpress.com]

    Wednesday, February 3, 2010

    Workout Girl

    Perfect sculpture princess…
    I love the flex in your legs and your pearl chest.
    We can spin between my sheets,
    Lock your body down my six pack and you submit…… (pause)

    First I have to ask you your name
    Until then I’ll call you my workout girl.
    If you like we can play a game,
    We could wrestle in my bed or workout girl!

    Written By: Heath Muchena

    © HTMM ,2009 : Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given, and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

    [Via http://htmm.wordpress.com]

    "To Save a Life": A Movie Review

    While walking into the dark movie theater, I decided to have a clear mind, a blank slate if you will, as I viewed the film. I wanted to leave all my preconceived and predisposed assumptions at the door and view the movie as unbiased as possible. I had been to a release party the week prior to seeing the movie and had watched an extended trailer, as well as listened to a question and answer forum given by one of the actors, so my familiarity with the content of the film was hard to set aside. I deeply wanted the movie to do well, but was concerned that once again, small budgets would result in a mediocre production. I also wanted to see the film through the eyes of one who might not readily believe or accept the message of the movie. I wanted to take it in, as unadulterated as possible, so that my review would reflect the content and art of the film.

    Impossible. As the movie began, the characters brought to life the grief of an untimely and inexplicable death. The suicide of a teen is at the heart of the movie To Save A Life and the lives that are dramatically affected by it, are followed through out the two hour film. The lead character, Jake Taylor, played by Randy Wayne, of Dukes of Hazard fame, is a senior in high school, with the world as his oyster. The handsome star has the beautiful girl, the letter of intent to his dream university and popularity stemming from his basketball career. But his life is shattered when his childhood friend kills himself in the high school hallway. He begins his search for answers and carries around the “what-ifs” that haunt him.

    The movie deals with the raw makings of a high school campus.  The popular kids get invited to the parties, the loners get mocked, and one day, a lonely boy has had enough, and takes his life.  There is nothing sugar coated in this Christian film, but a reality based look at what teens across this nation deal with as they walk out their front doors.  Topics like suicide, cutting, drinking, sex, pregnancy, and divorce are not what one would expect from a Christian film, yet they are dealt with in a manner that will in fact save a life.

    Not only are the harsh realities of the secular world explored, but also the realities of Christian hypocrisy found in the youth group of the church that Jake Taylor seeks answers and solace.  He boldly stands up, during a youth event and asks the teens in the youth group if they really give a “damn” or if they are going through the motions.  He is convinced that there has to have been something he could have done to stop his friend Roger from taking his life. He begins to live for others, specifically reaching out to the loners on campus, in spite of the hostility he gets from his former friends.

    I, at this point, must admit, that I was a very proud, card carrying Christian.  The movie was living up to what the trailer had enticingly promised and doing an artful job as well.  But perhaps the most authentic aspect of the film is found in the end, when the star isn’t found riding off into the sunset living happily ever after, but is shown living with the consequences of pre-marital sex and an un-planned pregnancy.  His dreams are sacrificially laid aside for his girlfriend, as he stands by her side through the pregnancy, delivery and adoption of their baby.  This is where real life meets real Christianity.

    The producer and writer of the To Save a Life is Jim Britts, a pastor at  New Song Community Church in Oceanside, California and a film major from Biola University.  He states in an interview for Biola Magazine,

    “It only came from this real experience of working with teens,” Britts says, “Looking back on it, I think He (God) had a plan for me being a screen-writing major and to get a heart for that and then to go into ministry and get a heart for that….The two really connected.   I don’t think I could have written the script if I didn’t do both.”  Brittany McComb

    Britt’s love for God, for teens and his passion to see lives saved through the acceptance of God’s love during incomprehensible pain is deeply portrayed in this film.  As much as I tried to remain set apart and unbiased, I was unable to remain unmoved.  The God that is so boldly proclaimed in the movie, is the God that has boldly showed His love for this world by sending His Son Jesus Christ to die for sinful man.  This fact alone moved me to tears and cheers at the end of the showing.

    The reviews may be mixed, but the Miami Herald said, “It features good acting, excellent production values and even a solidly eclectic musical score that ranges from rap to alternative.  Gary Goldstein wrote in the Los Angeles Times, “…appealing, poignant and inspiring in ways that are gentle and quite real…. not only potentially healing and elevating, but also kind of cool…. deftly acted, generally absorbing cautionary tale…” Others were not as generous, Andy Webster wrote in the New York Times, “Teenage martyrdom — the piety of it all…. But forget the lame performances and arch, preachy sentiment; the movie’s sham hip-hop and spurious alternative music alone should keep teenagers away. Thank goodness.”

    The most important reviews however don’t come from news men sitting alone in a dark theater, but rather from those lives that are truly changed.  One girl stated on the To Save a Life website,

    Rachel - Posted on January 31, 2010  ”Just saw this movie yesterday, and I cried so hard! I am somewhat depressed, and have considered suicide in the past. This movie expressed how I felt…alone, like no one cared. I loved the part where Jake is in the youth group and starts telling the kids not to be judgemental! I felt like it was so true. Thanks for impacting my life! Thanks to God and His redeeming love! Save a life!”

    Another young man shared,

    Geoff (Name changed for privacy) - Posted on January 31, 2010  ”I am 17 years old and I am a recovering cutter. For the longest time I relied on cutting as a crutch to keep me going; even though I was slowly killing myself along the way. Without all of the prayers, my scars would mean nothing but a sign of hatred and depression. But today, I see that they’re trophies that say God can help anyone through anything. Even a sexually confused, depressed, 17 year old outcast like me. God Bless.”

    Finally, a young girl’s decision to not settle, but to live a changed Christian life,

    Camille - Posted on January 30, 2010  ”I saw this movie with my youth group, and was litterally bawling by the end. This movie absolutely changed my life. Ya, I thought I was a good Christian before, but after seeing this, I know I can’t settle. There is always something more to do that will help in this world. The part that moved me the most was when Jake is in the youth group, and everyone is whispering and Jake stands to say something. My absolute favorite part of the movie is when he says, “What’s the point of all this if you’re not gonna let it change you?” and to me it is totally true. I also love the part when Jake brakes free from the security guard saying, “I have to make things right!”. These quotes inspire me. Don’t pass up the chance to make a difference. By tomorrow, it may be too late.”

    These are the reviews that truly matter, because these are the ones who heard the message of the movie and decided to let it save a life.   Don’t let poor press keep you from taking a teen to this film; it will, in fact, impact your life.

    [Via http://theflipsideofthecoin.wordpress.com]

    Monday, February 1, 2010

    Sex, shopping and bargains

    Jumping to conclusions

    My wife asked me to buy her a magazine. The Tatler or Good Housekeeping or Woman and Home.

    I went to the newsagent. I came back with three magazines – Cosmopolitan, Zest and Company. They were bundled together, in the centre of the newsagent’s shelves, in a value pack, at 32% off. 

    My wife discussed my behaviour. Was it, she wanted to know, because:

    • There was a special offer?
    • The headline in Cosmopolitan was “Seven steps to mind blowing sex”?
    • I was a poor listener?
    • She had communicated her wishes badly?

    So what does it say about marketing, the purchaser (me) and the customer (my wife)?

    Picture by Fits Ahlefeldt-Lauvig

    [Via http://mikebarnato.wordpress.com]

    Wyoming school district against tolerance posters

    A Wyoming school district pulled down a bunch of posters promoting tolerance, which is a concept they don’t tolerate in Wheatland – It seems that because one of the sponsors listed on the poster is the Gay and Lesbian Fund for Colorado, that’s just unacceptable:

    “The board thought it was inappropriate to have that sponsorship hanging up in the school,” said Stuart Nelson, the district’s superintendent.

    The banners, which had been allowed by district administrators, were removed after complaints. Some students asked to have them put back up, but the board refused.

    Apparently, offensiveness only goes one way, the fascist way.

    Joe Fabian, another board member, said he believes the Anti-Defamation League is pushing an “agenda that is pro-gay marriage” and that the community of Wheatland is not supportive of that.

    “No Place For Hate” –Of course! How could I have missed all that evil gay propaganda? Tolerance is the gateway drug to destroying the other 50% of marriages that wouldn’t otherwise end in divorce. It all makes sense now! MORON!!!

    [Via http://skepacabra.wordpress.com]