This has been a funny couple of weeks. I’ve had a few conversations about relationships and for some reason I’ve been enlightening myself and realizing a lot of the mistakes I’ve made, much to my chagrin. I’m someone who likes to live in a perpetual state of self congratulation and complete denial of my failures as a human being, so it’s been quite difficult.
I'm assuming by "narcissist" you mean "awesome-sis-nest." I thank you!
The first conversation was with my little sister, Molly. We were discussing the nuances of our inevitably dysfunctional relationships when out of nowhere I go, “You know, Mol, we really only ever date people that have absolutely no chance of ever REALLY hurting our feelings.” Basically, we date functional retards with no self respect and/or people who live across the country. To give you an idea of just how many of these people we’ve dated, here is an open letter she wrote on facebook to current and future exes.
As hilarious as this is, it made me start wondering about exactly what’s going wrong when out of nowhere my Mom says, “Sarah, what exactly do you think it is in your childhood that you’re trying to reconcile with these boyfriends?”
First of all, it was pretty insane that my Mom communicated anything other than semi-intelligent mumbling and pointing at a wine bottle and I was caught off guard. So again, I had an unwanted clarity spasm and said, “Well Mom, I think it’s probably that I can’t stand to be the one in a vulnerable position. I mean, I’ve never even been dumped because I never pursue people who will dump me.”
I elaborated on her relationship with my Dad, and how even though I don’t hate her I pretty much wanted to punch her in the fucking face for the majority of my life for being married to him and I date people like her so that I can do JUST that, and here’s why:
My Dad is a violent, abusive serial cheater who treated all of us like shit. As a child and young adult, I never understood why Mom never went Lorena Bobbit on his ass or at least slapped him around a couple of times. Instead she acted like goddamn Eeyore and moped around the house, basically silent for 20 years having more babies. Presumably so that she could created an army of insanely angry young women, the only endeavor she’s truly succeeded at (see open letter above).
Well I guess the only thing to do is have another baby 
Here are some things I haven’t been dumped for:
Sleeping with my boyfriend’s friends
Hitting, punching, screaming and all other manner of violent lack of impulse control
Lying and basic girl-type manipulations
Character assassination on a daily basis for no good reason
Destruction of property
Drinking 99.9% of the time for an entire relationship
Belittling someone in front of friends and family
Hacking into email, phone and whatever else.
Me: aka lucifer, the antichrist, biggest bitch in the world, visitor from the 7th circle of hell, etc.
Let me repeat: I have NEVER been dumped. Not even close. I have only ever dated people that I can do literally whatever I want to and they will NEVER leave me, and are usually keen to be best friends as soon as we do finally part ways.
This isn’t to say that in general I’m not a pretty nice, normal girlfriend. But any one of those thing above should be a complete dealbreaker for a normal guy, and when I go nuts it’s usually more than one of those things at a time. I may fail at a lot of things, but multitasking isn’t one of them!
So that’s what I mean by “dating my Mom.” I basically find people who should stand up for themselves and from time to time kick them to see if they will. The equivalent to getting a puppy and poking it until it either gives up wanting to live or bites you. Boys usually just give up wanting to live…for anything but you.
I don't CARE about the car, and you choking me, and alienating my Mom! You are perfect for me!
So I’m left with 3 options:
1) Become a celibate dog lady who lives out in the country and doesn’t attempt interpersonal relationships with anyone except my friends on 4 chan for all of eternity.
2) Become a hooker. This is really the ultimate conclusion to a life of false power and no emotional connection, and plus I’d be RICH! RICH I TELL YOU!
3) Date men with high self esteem and goals and most likely get my ass dumped for acting like a bipolar 15 year old.
Obviously the only positive option is 3. I figure it will probably take me a good 5 more years of trying to date normal guys, and I will get dumped 5 or 6 times before I have the correct relationship tools to put me on the level of an 18 year old guy.
I will then exclusively date 18 year old guys.
FOOLPROOF!
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