Vogue Hommes Japan (Photographs by Steven Klein - Styling by Nicola Formichetti)
It’s never easy for me to help others in any kind of capacity. I hate being outdoors, I hate heavy lifting and I hate any activity that involves “exercising patience”. However, I like to think that I can cast aside my prissiness to lend myself to a friend when they are in need of a few extra dainty hands.
I’ve recently become associated with a pretty yet sensitive Canadian girl that constantly lifts her skirt up like a capricious toddler. This is fine, but when my eyes are accidentally caught in the supple, ivory crossfire I feel pervy and weird despite the fact that I have no interest in vaginas or, for that matter, Canadians.
Anyway, I assisted with wardrobe and make-up for her sweaty film shoot today. I spent 38 of the 39 hours that I was there for listening to my iPod and reading a book. Every so often, however, I would take in my surroundings. Skirts were lifted and costumes were shamelessly changed in front of one another. Naturally, my first thought was “What a bunch of sluts” and I finally realized that while a majority of these people do in fact slut out on occasion, they weren’t the problem. I am.
Vogue Hommes Japan (Photographs by Steven Klein - Styling by Nicola Formichetti)
I think it’s pretty odd that I am a borderline alcoholic yet I am absolutely terrified of physical contact at all times. I’d like to fix this particular issue of mine, so I have decided to interview those of my friends who are currently on AIM. My goal is to scare myself into a position where I either rush to fuck somebody ASAP to face the fear or give up on the concept of intercourse entirely.
I’ve allowed these people to choose aliases. Let me tell you something, guys. An alias might protect your identities, but it wont prevent you from being assholes.
“Corey”
Describe your most upsetting sexual encounter.
“one time i was making out with a guy, and he goes “ur pimple just popped” and yes indeed it did and blood was on my face.”
Did you guys continue to make out after he called you out on your fucking disgusting popped pimple?
“no.”
“Missy*
Describe your most upsetting sexual encounter.
“oh jesus, the first time i ever gave head i got totally skull fucked and i started crying. overall i think it was a good experience though, because everyone is bound to get skull fucked at some point and it’s like way better to get it out of the way towards the beginning. i didn’t even tear up the second time it happened.”
Alright.
“Janet”
Describe your most upsetting sexual encounter.
“I got stuck in a fucking tire swing and this piece of shit crystal meth addict came up from behind and let himself backstage behind the meat curtains. but it like wasnt necessarily rape i guess, because i didn’t cry or scream or anything.”
“Viktoria”
Describe your most upsetting sexual encounter.
“I sort of of pooped myself a little during an orgasm.”
“Kimber Marie”
Describe your most upsetting sexual encounter.
“A nun saw me give my ex boyfriend road head.”
“William Shatner”
Describe your most upsetting sexual encounter.
“the first time i ever porked a girl i never came, but i pretended i did so we could stop.”
“Kevin”
Describe your most upsetting sexual encounter.
“one time i dared this bitch to go down on me at my parents house, but when he did i freaked out and kicked his gay ass out”
It is important to note that “Kevin” is, in fact, referring to me.
Vogue Hommes Japan (Photographs by Steven Klein - Styling by Nicola Formichetti)
I sort of feel at square #1 still. Sure, these friends of mine happen to be filthy animals for the most part, but they’re filthy animals together. Not having totally fucked experiences like this is in many ways bittersweet. I’m glad I was never penetrated by an amphetamine enthusiast, but I am sad that I don’t have a story to top that gem.
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